destitute

I'm so lazy, I'll just cite.

2010-12-12T15:33:00.001+08:00

"Just because you think you found the right person for you,
doesn’t always mean that they feel you are the right person for them.

That’s the challenge and the risk of opening up to someone,
allowing yourself to become comfortable,
even fall in love."

Read this from a friend's blog, and it just struck a chord. How aptly put.

Since I don't have time to put my thoughts down into words, I decided I should just cite people around me. Haha and here it goes:

Unknown. December 10, 2010. Retrieved on December 12, 2010 from justbesplendid.

Affirmation, after a disappointment

2010-11-17T13:14:00.004+08:00

This was a part of a blog entry written by a friend. I read it with much empathy, because I would have been so close to this if I had not plucked up the courage to jump ship while I am young and when there are choices. Choices that you can make without messing up too much of your life. Though it would only be 3 years in my case, I think that is miserable enough. To be slogging your way towards something you had no passion for. She's not the first friend who feel this way. Actually, many of my friends in this particular course feel this way. I guess it could be said to be a blind pursuit of prestige, with not much passion to speak of, sadly.

Though I had just been disappointed by an interview, I am still sure that I am on the right track. It might not be the most glamorous, most well-paid, most 'wow' career; it is, undeniably, something I want to do. I believe that is what matters the most - to pursue my dream and to respond to my calling.

2010-06-05T21:24:00.003+08:00

爱情到底是什么？

它能让你不顾一切而盲目地跟随着
它能让你的分寸错乱
它能让感情用事替代理智
它能让你变得口是心非，让你把持不住心里的理念。

可是话说回来，这应该不完全是爱情的错吧。问题也存在于各人对爱情的观念。

对我自己而言，我很希望自己在恋爱的当儿，不要失去自己。个人的信念与坚持对我来说，还是重要的。不要因为爱着对方而改变自己，因为这样的改变是不能长久的，至少在我认为的前提内。更重要的是不要对对方隐瞒自己的优缺点，更不用掩饰自己任何的怪癖。至少我相信，在两个真正相爱和了解彼此的情侣之间，是没有什么好隐瞒和害羞的。最后一个禁忌，就是不要踩在别人的面子或自尊心上，只为了让自己在爱人的面前显得大方或受尽委屈。真心坦然，肝胆相照，对我而言是最佳的座右铭。

到时爱情来临的时候，我希望我能守住自己的信念。因为我不想因爱情而变成一个虚伪的人。这一点我很确定。

2010-04-24T20:44:00.003+08:00

“我们做选择的时候，最困难的不是要选择什么，而是要放弃什么。”

- 蔡诗雅《红白囍事》

突发奇想

2010-04-22T23:15:00.006+08:00

因为耳朵是通往心底的那些不会成真的听了心痛

记得

2010-04-02T23:36:00.007+08:00

两个相爱的人如果有了相反的梦
分开以后能记得什么？

是想于是的惊心动魄
是相爱时的甜蜜时光
是争执时的垂心刺骨
还是分手时的最后祝福

在分手后搬家那一天
收拾房子打包回忆
迟来的苹果

对女主角是百感交集的一天
对每个爱过的人是永远记得的一天

♥

what goes around, comes around.

2010-03-28T09:20:00.001+08:00

If I had been a little slower...

2010-03-27T23:55:00.007+08:00

如果那天病了约会换了我们就不遇上了。

今天遇到一个我没有想过会遇到的人。是我记忆不好，忘了他也住这里。
遇见他的时候，有点狼狈。因为在学校呆了一整天，一直在更改一带录好的影片。Actually video editing can be a real pain. Uses up alot of my artistic brain cells, which isn't a lot to begin with. No wonder I felt so drained that night.

Anyways, 就在那间咖啡店遇到CP。还蛮好笑的，因为我一直都往地上看，也没留意谁在我周围。直到一只手在我面前晃着, 我还以为是卖煮炒得uncle在拉客。:p 他问我为什么在这里，我说因为我住在这里啊！其实正确地说，这是我阿姨家。But you know, it's complicated to explain too much. and I was really tired that night. (Actually I forgot if I did tell him before that I live at serangoon. Then it'll be kinda weird.) But anyways, if you know me well enough, you'd know why it's complicated to explain. So I shall just leave it as that.

Fate, I haven't seen you for some time.

Chanced-upon

2010-03-21T23:19:00.005+08:00

I can't remember how I got to her blog. Must be via some facebook linkages around.

Anyhow, I like reading her blog entries. Some really thoughtful stuff that I do experience myself but never had the flair for words to pen them down. Or maybe I'm just too lazy, and lack the chance to click on blogger to write those stuff. Here's something I liked that's on her blog. I think she might have written it on her own. I wished I could regain some of my sense in writing chinese. gahh.

'我只是突然有点想念你。

已经有一段时间了，但在做某些事时，仍是会想起我们的点点滴滴。

你应该全都忘了吧，全都丢掉了吧。或是偶尔会想起？

已经好久没听见，看见了。但是心里隐约还残留着你在我身边那逗留不去的感觉。

哈。你绝对不会想起。我应该从来都没有重要过。

但对我而言，你曾经是重要的。

谢谢你。祝你开心。'

Nicely written. :) My favourite sentence is the one in bold. Not exactly a short one, but I would say it's compact and it encompasses a lot of meaningful words. Ahh... I want to write a short novel! Actually I've started doing it on another site, yes totally in chinese. Haha but shush... shall keep it private till it has a reasonably amount of storyline. :P Anyway I haven't been faithfully writing there cuz school's killing me. Of course, I think you can tell by the number of entries I post here alone. Haha

By the way, this girl that I'm talking about is Yap Jia Min. Yes, she was one of the finalist for Campus Superstar 2009. Have always admired her vocals, she's only 2 years younger than me! She was one of the two I was rooting for during the competition. The other is Aijia. Both have strong vocals that I yearn for. Heh. Yup, have been following her blog recently and have been reading the past entries to actually see her as a person as a whole. I believe blogs and facebook pages do tell quite a bit about a person. So, yes I've been trying to get a better feel of what she is as a person. I hope I don't sound pervertic or what. It's just interesting to see how these online facets of people actually do tell alot about them. It's a bit of psychology here, but strangely I've been hitting the right spots when I piece together information about them online. Psychic eh?

Well, on a more personal note, life's been a little different for me this sem. Mid-sem changes to my life, not that I wanted it. I'm forced by circumstances. Hate it cuz I'm one who needs to have control over my life, and definitely, the sense of constant-cy during my study sem. But sadly, I live an oppressed life and I'm forced to change. I'm forced to be indebted to someone. I'm forced to run away to get some autonomy in life. I swear to break out of this vicious cycle once I have the power. The power to change and take charge of things. Whatever I'm taking now, I'll get it back double.

The thing about kinship. There are just so many 'corners' that I've yet to know about. Like how you shouldn't pay for certain things cuz of kinship. The 'face' issue. So complex. I hate it. Just let me pay and I will feel a whole lot better rather than going about each day scrimping and saving as much as I could. It's difficult, you know. But here I am, trying to be the least indebted in any way possible. And it all started with him. Shingz. I live an oppressed life. And I yearn to break free one day.

That means I need to work darn hard now... but can I? I seem to have lost my motivation for study. Why? Why have I become like that? Where's the girl who used to do everything, aiming for the best and perfection? I don't know. Maybe I've changed. People change, don't they?

I need to find back my motivation and the feeling of having done well. HR isn't difficult, I should score. I believe I'm not stupid, just lazy. SH needs to mug hard for the next six weeks. I must.

there's still sunshine after the rain ;)

2010-03-09T01:19:00.004+08:00

I can't express how excited, happy, relieved, thank-god-feel i am today.

Received a call from HSBC and yes, I'm offered an internship there! Gosh, I really didn't think I did well at that interview at all. In the middle of it, I kinda went into a trance and my mind was blocked. I guess it did show up on my face. Darn. I really thought it's a gone-case interview already. But well, surprises there are when you least expect it.

And guess what, I even made a bet with a friend that I wouldn't get it. The stake? Lunch on me!! [TIHS] What was I thinking? But seriously, like what I told my friend, I only make safe bets. hahahaha shot myself in the foot, I guess.

AHAH! but I'm really really really really thrilled! I couldn't believe it totally, till the confirmation email was sent to me regarding the letter of offer. wow.

Alrights! That gives me the motivation to persevere hard in all I do, and be opportunistic! Like I always say. :)

Interesting Finds

2010-02-15T19:56:00.005+08:00

This is a phrase that I stumbled upon someone's blog, which happens to be a phrase that the blogger happen to stumble across too!:)

"There's no need to feel regretful, because at one point, everything you did was exactly everything you wanted to do."

How true a description! I've always felt that way and often end up regretting quite a bit, but now I guess I've something to fall back on as comfort. :p

Really liked the stuff this blogger blogs about, it's this kind of writing style and thoughts that I'd never be able to churn out most of the time. So just to share something I love that I read on this blog today:

"You buy thing and you keep them clean. You take care of them. Keep them in a special pocket. Away from keys and coins. Away from other things that should be kept clean and taken care of as well. Then they get scratched. And scratched again. And again. And again. And again. Soon, you don't care about them anymore. You don't keeo them in a special pocket. You throw them in the bag with everything else. They've surpassed their form and become nothing but a function.

Peope are like that. You meet them and keep them clean. In a special pocket. And then you start to scratch them. Not on purpose. Sometimes you drop them by accident or forget which pocket they're in. But after the first scratch, it's all downhill from there. You see past their form. They become function. They are a purpose. Only their essence remains."

And finally...

"You know sometimes I findit unfanthomable that some people have to be surrounded by friends every single moment. I mean, don't we all deserve some me-time? I like walking the long stretch of road to school alone. I don't mind eating alone (after coming to Uni, it's just weird that you can't find someone who has exactly the same timetable and commitments as you.). I read and study alone. I buy my pet food alone. Buy groceries alone. Being alone is nothing scary or uncool. There comes a time in life when we've all got to handle situations alone yeah? Of course, being alone doesn't equate to being lonely."

Damn, it just spells my feelings totally. And I'm so glad I'm not alone, in this aspect. :) And you know what, after reading all these, there seem to be not pretty much I can write now.

Maybe something about new year celebration at Granny's.

I've come to learn that certain people (from a certain nationality, I don't know why it's often them) don't know how to behave proper socially. Behaving like kiasus during the lunch buffet and always trying to squeeze the most out of someone else's. Like, the notion that just because it's free, you should just grab as much as you can. Have you ever thought that it is your luck and our magnanimousity that you can be here enjoying (free) food? Almost everyone every year kind of hate your presence but we're just too nice to reject your coming to our house for new year? No basic courtesy, ill-bred bunch of barbaric people. Oh wells, what can I say?

Another aspect of life that I learnt about today is that kids' thoughts and behaviour are something we cannot fanthom nor underestimate. A harmless-looking boy, aged <4,>

And I've a final thing to say, I've just found out that the word 'magnanimousity' doesn't exist. But then, I can't find another word for it. Haha. Shingz. :p

A Realisation

2010-02-07T13:34:00.004+08:00

'People in love are blinded by the lies they are told.'

How aptly put. I remember this phrase from watching the Korean drama 'Winter Sonata', which I spent quite a while pondering over this phrase and it's relation to the storyline.

Well, I've just felt strongly about this today. Of course, not a personal incident. :p

That two-times-a-year thing

2009-12-29T23:51:00.004+08:00

I'm feeling the dread.

The butterflies in my stomach.

How I hate them.

No matter how much I say I'm resigned to fate.

No matter how much I say I'm not afraid.

No matter how much I tend to feel emotionless at other times before this day.

I admit, I'm still freaking anxious and fearful I think I might die.

Why is my life so screwed?

Since the day I entered University...

It's supposed to be the funnest time of my life.

The time when you play and work your ass off everything.

But here I am dreading every single day, module, quiz, exam.

Urgh, another part of my transcript is going to be fixed in 4 minutes' time.

And with every additional word I type... time is ticking by.

Yucks... Anyway I shall check it in half an hour's time. When most anxious people are done with the cheers and tears, it shall be my time. Shan't go jam the system at 12mn.

Have a good night, dear readers. I hope I can have mine tonight. Wish me luck!:)

P.S. Not for good results but for a good good night.

Polaroids are FUN!

2009-12-22T19:13:00.005+08:00

As we go on...

2009-12-22T18:44:00.008+08:00

It's a funny feeling when you come to a realization that the person you thought you knew and understood rather well, turn out to be someone you actually do not. Blogs and Facebook are powerful tools that divulge information that you'd never know about someone. Ironically, the more you find out about someone, the more you realise how much you do not understand that person.

On a separate note, I think this holiday is so unfulfilling for me. I haven't done much of the stuff I wanted/had to do. And it's making me feel quite rotten. Especially the HRYF event that's coming up on my birthday next year. Sigh, I am actually quite lost in it. I'm starting to conclude that I hate being a bizmag now. Although I should really know better than to admit this fact. It's like this for me, once I admit to something it kind of becomes a reality and the feeling/idea/thought just grows stronger. This is not good cuz I'm gonna be stuck in this position for the next 2 months or so. Grrr...why did I land myself in this shit? :/ I really need to get this over and done with, because if I don't do it, no one will. And this concerns the possibility of an opportunity of the future being seized or not. Aja Aja!

Ending of December is something to look forward to! Because there's Christmas, a BBQ at hall, meetups, Cedar Homecoming and a climbing session! Woots:) It's good to end on a high note..haha!

Oh, weirdly nowadays, I've been craving for Frolick. Ughh.. now that's really unusual. :)

THREE days to Christmas! Say 'YAY' :D

Frolick Day!

2009-12-15T22:47:00.006+08:00

Ah yet another meeting with two persons that I haven't met for some time! Good and happy day today! Plus the fact that I've gotten my Plan 1 during the registration of modules.. mwahahaha:) (But I think I'm killing myself by having two 8.30 days that end at 6 in a week :/)

Happiness aside, I've come to a realization today. I think, at times, I tend to be a little too self-centered. In a sense, I do sometimes lapse into talking too much about myself... maybe a little more than what others would like to hear. Well, it's not that someone actually commented about this. I actually had this thought in my mind today, as I was walking home alone. I really appreciate this kind of self-reflection and self-awareness that pops up every now and then. And I'm thankful that no one has to come up to me and tell me straight in my face that I've been doing things that irks them so much that they have to tell me. haha:p

Well, I think we should, or maybe I should listen more to others without interrupting. I've been doing quite a bit of this that I'm not very comfortable of. I need to listen, listen more. :)

Ah... frolick. I likes!:)

It's part of growing up

2009-12-13T23:09:00.004+08:00

'This is a crazy world

These can be lonely days

It's hard to know who's on your side
Most of the time

Who can you really trust
Who do you really know
Is there anybody out there
Who can make you feel less alone
Sometimes you just can't make it on your own

Everybody needs somebody who
They can pour their heart and soul into'

I've never felt so much anger within me.

Now I understand how it feels to have frustration and anger pent up in the belly that I feel I can really burst.

Now I understand how it feels when she wrote ' Humans are forgetful. All the right you do can be overwritten with one wrong.' I truly taste the bitterness in my tongue. I think nothing hurts more than being accused by someone so dear to you in your life, those things said that are so irrational and spiteful.

Now I understand that I can no longer communicate with such a person, who probably doesn't have some logical sense in reasoning. Just so spiteful that there's probably no thinking done before bursting out in hurtful and accusatory remarks. Just plain, bloody blaming.

Lessons learnt and resolutions made:

I shall no longer listen to her irrational commands and will think on my own, and act in a more sensible manner according to what I believe.

Every time I feel anger coming, I shall just swallow it and get away from the situation. No more bursting out and shouting which probably doesn't make things any better. Just let the ramblings go on and shut my ears. :)

Use this as a motivation to stay in school till late to revise and read up my readings, do tutorials! (since I'd probably just sleep when I get home :p)

화이팅!~~

Did I make the right decision?

2009-11-19T18:51:00.003+08:00

HAH did you see HR? I hope this means I've made the right decision:) At least I can seek some comfort in this virtual, not-so-reliable fun quiz. Gave me some motivation to move on:) AJA!

Embrace the Unexpected; Finish Strong

2009-11-17T09:47:00.004+08:00

I hope I'll pull through this and clinch the deal.

要以平常心看待良机，全力以赴就不会有愧。

아자! 화이팅!!

思念 by Tanya :)

2009-10-19T21:27:00.003+08:00

堆積所有對你的思念把思念推進個黑暗的房間
房間就在廚房的後面你仍會發現
菸不離手把自己灌醉醉醒過後笑自己有多狼狽
泡的咖啡有苦的滋味我睜開了眼忘記你是誰

要風箏自由乾脆剪斷了線讓它往藍天空隨風而飛
越飛越高直到看不見像電影裡的畫面
這樣也許能讓我好過一些把你當做風箏隨風而飛
越飛越高直到無所謂我剪斷了線不再對你懷念

愛總是讓人心碎讓我無法入睡
我又忍不住走進了房間
我閉上了眼又被思念包圍

又被思念包圍

Love the lyrics!

화이팅!

2009-09-30T22:40:00.006+08:00

I should really be studying. Or rather, doing my dumb negotiation presentation's preparation.

But I see no point, no point in the whole assignment. I just hate to do assignments that don't really serve any purpose, other than to take up a lot of my time to justify my earning of 4AUs. It's funny, and ironical, how professors and doctorates in various fields design such curriculums which are really not that insightful as one would expect from a Ph.D. It's like they have such a big idea about teaching a certain subject, and then frivolously write reports to justify the curriculum and methodology. Yeah big ideas indeed, but how much do the students benefit from it? They haven't thought of it, seriously. Because anyway, it just needs to sound good on paper, that's all. Important sounding objectives and learning outcomes, I've done some of that in events planning too. I know how tempting it is to make it sound real good when in fact, it's really just a do-for-the-sake-of-doing idea.

Projects. They really take up hell a lot of my time. Just take today for example, my group spent a good 7 hours on Fastcat. Fastcat, indeed. From 10am to 5.30pm, less the time for lunch/brunch at 3.30pm. Sigh, that's how my recess's ending up. Spending such obscene amount of time discussing and getting my points across. Sometimes I wish I was in a course that only had to attend lectures and finish tutorials. OTOT, that's what I like. I need to feel in control of my life; like, if I don't do tutorials it's really my own business. Projects are different, you have so many people to answer to. And also, so many people's opinions to hear and rationalise. I see it as a waste of time, sometimes. A task that takes 10hours to do on your own can become 18hours with the introduction of teamwork. duh

On a side note, I just hope to stay steadfast to my philosophy of doing things right. Not being too ambitious, not being toowild at heart. If I can only do one thing at a time, so be it. I'd rather do that one thing well, and get on with the other later than being so ambitious as to juggle both at one time. Chances are, those two will fall out of my reach and there, it's gone. I'm not brilliant, I admit that. But so what, life still goes on. And I can proudly say that I've done my best at that one thing, and it turned out well.

a pleasant spark in the days of blue

2009-09-28T20:19:00.004+08:00

Whee! It's been some time since I've won something significant. :) Still haven't decided to keep it or sell it away.

This week's recess and it's home-alone for me. Hope I'll be able to get some things going while I'm alone. It's kinda weird when I'm alone - I get moodswings. That means sometimes I get the adrenaline rush that I'm independent and thus feeling so ever motivated, yet the next moment I'm kinda wallowing in self-pity of being alone and just feeling so alone. If you understand what I'm typing. Oh wells, and now I'm imagining the thrill if all our lessons were done through e-learning, how cool that would be? Waking up OTOT, eat my breakfast, on the lappie and attend lessons. Take a nap when I'm tired, then continue with tutorials and revision. Ahh..sheer bliss... (perhaps only as I think of it now :p).

Back to the topic of being alone. I've come to conclude that there's no wrong being lone. What's with the social expectation that everyone should be surrounded by friends all the time? I beg to differ on this. Sometimes, we tend to be swayed and act in accordance to the group we're with, and it's not exactly what we want to do at that point in time. I do think it's pointless, sometimes. Being stuck in the rat race in Nanyang Island, it's hard not to stop thinking about myself, about what I've got to do next. Well, 'my style is about, yah myself you know. Leapard preeenz. Boooomzz', isn't it? :p I'm still pretty upset by the whole episode of our dear Miss Singapore. But anyways, it's a lesson learnt to screen the future participants more closely. I mean, it's Singapore's reputation at stake, since Miss Singapore World is really representative of our country in all aspects.

On a side note, I went bouldering today!! It's been so long. Too long that I've forgottent the pain associated with the darn spare climbing shoes. grrr.... and yes, I've lost all my muscles. It came to such a stage that my hards are totally wobbly and they're totally not listening to me anymore. :( It's kinda sad that I really wanna climb, yet I can't afford to devote time to it. Why am I always doing things I don't like to do? The feeling's terrible. I really hope to be able to go back to dancing and climbing when I work. Or at least during my internship period where my weekends are free, hopefully.

It's been so long since I last blogged. Feelings good. But then again, there're so many forgotten words that are forever lost because of my procrastination to note them down.

Ah procrastination, it's the thief of time (and words, and thoughts).

And I'm thinking.... again.

Cruel to be Kind

2009-07-06T23:28:00.003+08:00

But life will never be the same again. After the evening of 5 July 2009.

my calling... hello?

2009-06-10T00:42:00.007+08:00

‘大家都在努力，不要说谁做得好、谁做得不好。
但重要的是，你要知道你为了什么而奋斗。
当艺人风光吗？当然。
能赚钱吗？新水确实不错。
但你要为了这些东西而做吗？我觉得最好的方法是找到你真正要做的东西。。。’

how aptly put... this was what i read in myPaper today. this was what Yanzi said in an interview about her view of her job, her life and how she's been during this break; and this paragraph gave me an impression of deja vou. it was what i felt inside me, but somehow it made me feel ashamed of having such thoughts. my friends told me to 'just go for it if that's what you really want' but again, doing it is far from just saying or thinking it. it takes a lot more courage than you would think. i was afraid.

perhaps that was what i said in my previous entry, that many times, we all need to face things alone and make decisions on your own. but have you realised that though you need to make a decision with your own sense and brain, the impact of your decision goes far beyond? there are responsibilities (and more and more of them) as you grow older. you need to be accountable for your actions because you have responsibilities, maybe not immediately but in the near future. Accountable here means that you have to 'answer for'; you need to answer to your parents, your families, and most importantly, yourself and your future.

however, when i want to say something or when i am ready to say it, circumstances go beyond me. i need to tell her, because i need to be accountable. because she's paying for it. i don't know why i'm experiencing this, having to muster enough courage to say it out. it's as if i'd done somthing wrong, but i didn't. how wrong can you be when all you wanted was to pursue something you want? i keep telling myself it's alright... she should understand. but somehow within me, i am afraid... afraid to tell. maybe i wasn't even sure of this myself? maybe i just wanted to run away.

silence

2009-06-07T23:19:00.003+08:00

it's been quite a while since i last blogged.

i think i was suppose to post more photos here on my dear blog which i'd neglected for some time but i guess FB took up most of the novelty of posting new photos and captioning them. :P

it's kinda funny how i'd always thought i was the quiet one... but school and uni made me otherwise. or at least, i've to try to act otherwise. but nowadays, i think i'm back to my old self again. i've been thinking, what's so bad about being alone? some issues on my head now make me just wanna be alone... to think. back in US, when Dad and i moved on to Washington without my sis, i did many things alone. and come to think of it, the only times when i wasn't alone was during meal times, and of course when we were in the hotel. i think that kinda put some courage into my gut and now i don't find it lonely to be alone. i guess as we grow up, there are more times that we need to, or we have, to be alone. there are so many things we have to face, alone. not literally but you know, in a sense that we have to think on our own no matter how many people are by your side.

there's gonna be a major change, which i undertook almost all by myself. this process kinda made me more sure of myself, because ultimately, i've to be responsible for what i'm doing and what i've decided to do. retrospectively, it is this realization of being responsible for what i'm doing notion that made me want to change.

sometimes i think and am worried that all these being alone routine would make me a more selfish person. i certainly hope i'd not... and definitely i'd restrain myself from becoming so. and i think wanting to start afresh was part of the reason for the change. i don't want to dwell on things that i dread and i want to do things that i really want to do. Like how i chose to learn Korean instead of Japanese. i want to do things for myself, not for anyone else. that was a mistake i've been committing for a large part of my life and i want to change that.

that's all, folks. tomorrow's gonna be a busy day, i've things to settle in the morning and i've to sit down and learn Korean. haha

shadow land

2009-05-22T23:45:00.002+08:00

'this guy came to shadow land.
everyone was a shadow so no one talked to him.
and so, he was very lonely.'

leaping home:)

2009-05-18T12:30:00.004+08:00

US Trip #1

2009-05-02T04:08:00.011+08:00

First time to USA - kinda apprehensive, kinda excited, kinda worried. Apprehensive about what to expect, excited about the spree at factory outlets and worried about the stereotypes floating around and being an alien in a foreign western land.

23-hour flight is no joke, especially when I realised that I couldn't really sleep in an upright position. Sleep was apportioned into 1-2 hour segments because of my frequent nod of my head. Ended up watching movies and playing games instead. Watched 2 movies in total – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Yes Man, though I didn’t manage to finish the 2nd movie cuz I accidentally pressed some buttons and I had to rewatch the whole show again. Totally dumb. Oh, the games were kinda boring (no Mario cuz I was on ANA, how sad!). The most interesting game I could find was Water Pipes, where you had to fix up pipe parts of different orientation so that water could flow. Haha lame ah… I played this when my sis was carrying a really old model of Samsung.

Oh yes! And the most satisfying part of the flight – taking photos of the clouds!! Quite cool cuz I could experiment and get used to my new funky gadget – Panasonic LX3! It’s a cool cam; the only regret is that its optical zoom is only 2.5x :( I’m now starting to wish that I’d taken Canon SX10 with the capability of 20x optical zoom. Sigh. Nevertheless, check out the photos at the end of this post and the next few too!:)

I’m now staying at my sis’s apartment in East Hartford - a cosy little apartment with joint bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and the living room. The location is quite good as well; Walmart and a few restaurants are within walking distance. And the coolest thing is, my sis has a rented car so we can check out farther places! Haha I’m impressed that my sis could get used to left-hand drive so quickly! Woooh!

Alrights! Check out the photos below!

Satisfied me:) after taking shots after shots of the clouds. haha
And the final photo of the post: My personal favourite - Sunrise at Washington Dulles Airport :)

how i wished...

2009-04-15T15:49:00.004+08:00

Current wish:

but sadly, now i'm sleeping like this.

MARS

2009-03-31T09:21:00.003+08:00

Mars is good stuff for doing math...:)

2009-03-28T13:45:00.003+08:00

tell me what should i do?

2009-03-26T08:50:00.003+08:00

what should i do when i have people who are totally heck and laid-back? i don't recall a time when they were punctual for a meeting; i don't recall a time when we actually planned something and accomplished it by the stipulated time.

and today morning, that sms had to piss me off when i was still in bed. i arranged for a meeting at 1030am today, smsed them last night after our last meeting which ended at 9pm. the one who left at 6pm (for whatever business) had the cheek to tell me that 1030am was too early and asked for 1pm instead. i'm having an elective at 330pm, so do another guy. and hey, guess what? our deadline is tonight cuz we're having that lesson at 830 tomorrow. smsed the other two and having one reply to say that he needs to sleep because he chatted with his sister till this morning. what can i say, really?

sense of urgency? i don't sense it. nor can i make any sense out of this attitude that is prevalent in every of the other 3 people. what's the probability of getting these 3 people out of random allocation? i think i can go spend some time thinking about that, to see how down on my luck i was.

someone, tell me what should i do?

Save the polars!

2009-03-20T22:57:00.005+08:00

What have we humans been doing to our bear friends? i believe polars are not the only species experiencing the atrocities committed by humans. :(

'Top experts who gathered this week in Tromsoe in northern Norway to discuss ways of protecting the species sounded alarm bells over the dramatic consequences of the melting ice.

"We don't have hard evidence about climate change but we have evidence about the numerous symptoms of climate change on polar bears," Andrew Derocher, chair of the Polar Bear Specialist Group, an international network of researchers, said.

The primary observation is that as the sea ice shrinks away, so are the polar bears -- they're not growing as big as they used to.

In Canada's Hudson Bay, home to a large polar bear population, the ice season is now three weeks shorter than it was 30 years ago, chipping away at the bears' opportunity to hunt seals, their primary source of food and an essential source of fat needed for their long summer fast.
Females today weigh around 230 kilos (500 pounds), some 65 kilos less than in 1980, and measure about 185 centimetres (6.07 feet) on average, compared to around 220 centimetres a few decades ago.

The melting ice means not only shorter hunting seasons, but it also means the bears, who number some 20,000 to 25,000 worldwide, have to cross greater distances to reach their icy hunting grounds.

This has led to a deterioration of the bears' health, impacting their reproductive capacities and the cubs' chances of survival, experts warned.

"The chain of events starts with a drop in body condition that subsequently leads to a drop in reproduction which leads to a drop in survival," Derocher said.

Climate change also appears to have altered the bears' behavioural patterns. Several recent incidents of cannibalism in Alaska have observers worried. "We knew of polar bears killing and eating other polar bears," Steven Amstrup, a research wildlife biologist with the US Geological Survey, told AFP. "But the difference was that this time the polar bears were clearly deliberately hunting other bears, attacking for example females in their denning area" in northern Alaska, he said.

"We assume that it was linked to nutritional stress." Faced with the growing uncertainty concerning the ice, pregnant polar bears are increasingly denning on land, researchers have noticed. In northern Alaska, two-thirds of bears now choose to den on land in order to give birth early in the year, an inverse proportion of what was observed a few years ago.

"They are refugees rather than immigrants. This is not a chosen exile, this is a forced exile," Derocher told AFP. The shrinking sea ice is also sometimes forcing the bears to swim ever further afield, encountering more treacherous waters. Polar bears are accomplished swimmers -- their Latin name is ursus maritimus -- yet in late 2004, four polar bears were found dead after drowning in the Beaufort Sea north of Alaska, likely the victims of a heavy sea. According to scientists' estimates, some 25 polar bears may have died in that incident.

"Any of these symptoms taken alone might not be so worrying but seen in their totality it shows a bleak picture of how climate change is impacting polar bears already now," said Geoff York, a polar bear expert at environmental group WWF.

"And it's only forecast to get worse," he said.'

- Yahoo News

Will they be able to survive in this torturous world that we have created for them?

self test from roomie's blog:)

2009-03-17T00:21:00.003+08:00

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties. (Yeap! i would like to be so:))

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes. (nods)

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person. (hmmm... this is hard to say. but for now, it'll definitely be studies first. anyway, there's just to many mr. wrongs around.)

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love. (hah.. how can you tell? i'm not even sure about this myself. but yes, i don't believe in wasting time with people i don't really like.)

Your views on education:
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own. (yes! i'm feeling quite sick in accountancy now.)

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life. (omg yes! i'm thinking of venturing into HR)

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous. (i would hope so.)

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long. (not exactly.. i don't have mood swings that often, i think. and i appear calm and still most of the time too. isn't it?)

my roomie says i never update my blog...

2009-03-16T22:12:00.001+08:00

and here's the reason:

i shall make FRS 1, 2, 7, 8, 10, 16, 18, 36, 37, 38, 105 and 108 my bible.:)

祝我生日快乐！

2009-03-06T00:54:00.001+08:00

i hope i'll be able to update soon!! *makes a wish in the mean time =D

Wednesday

2009-02-25T19:59:00.003+08:00

原来我也会怕寂寞。

i'm addicted to GeoChallenge! XD

2008-12-28T16:52:00.003+08:00

and i have a new high score! :D:D:D

Paparazzi News

2008-12-20T22:07:00.003+08:00

This may sound a bit nosey but nevertheless, i've decided to blog about it.

'Vivian Chow set to marry ex-boyfriend' was the headline on Yahoo! news. When i read it, all i could do was sigh, amidst a bit of shock. In my opinion, Joe Nieh's far from a good chap (even though we share the same surname). There's been news, past and present, about him being unfaithful to his ever-so-beautiful girlfriend (who is my first idol when i was a kid). The only question in my mind was, why did she still accept his wedding proposal when he's been hurting her time and again? You may think she's mad, ridiculous... whatever. But all i can say is, love is sometimes, really blind. And the thing is, she's been with him for almost 20 years, i would say. Who can blame her for being irrational (in our sense)?

Despite all these, i still feel unjust for her. He's just not worth it.

Oh wells.

update on random stuffs that cross my mind =P

2008-12-17T22:36:00.009+08:00

the little stuffs on my noticeboard in hall :) my sis says the one on the right reminded her of me so she bought it for me from thailand. thanks ah...

the two doggies that i miss most when i'm in hall. they're the only ones that entertain me and brighten up my day (and also, to bully =P). i finally know how terrible it would be without them around although bubble can really get on my nerves at times. anyway in the bottom 2 photos, i planted a hook that had fallen off on their head. *evil grin

KUISHINBO! another fabulous restaurant that has made it to my top food-hunt places! i just lovee the free-flow sashimi there. and the pan-fried salmon and dory....whoosh! good stuff cannot bluff! :D if you're wondering where this great jap restaurant is, it's at suntec city near toys 'r' us. prices are a bit steep though... but you get quality food!:)

took this photo with my 1.3 megapixel camera phone when i went to shopping at IMM after exams. i think jurong is the only place you see such creatures moving around where humans walk about. the white little thingies on the fence are actually some sort of bird, not too sure the exact name but it's those you'd find along lakes or ponds. can you imagine them standing on the fence surrounding jurong east bus interchange?this is a sign that was pasted on every toilet door... at... IMM shopping center! can you believe it? i can't... not in singapore. i got a little worried when i saw this notice, to the extent that i finished my business faster than usual in the cubible. hahaha... freaky huh?

i volunteered at the Standard Chartered Marathon on 7 December! wah... it was a terrible experience to speak of, seriously. i'd never want to volunteer again next year (this is something i'd rarely say so you can imagine how terrible the event was). i'd rather go run the race than volunteer cuz it's much more enjoyable. this is the beginning of one of the category for kids' dash (can you see how tired we, as volunteers, are? those people in white lining the road were us, seriously deprived of rest =X) we had to make sure those kids don't get themselves injured, that's why we had to line the road. but still, there are some enjoyable moments in it. like in the photo below:

my friend and i couldn't help but keep laughing when we saw the little tots clad in oversized kids' running tee (which looked like a dress on them). they look so cute, that's why i couldn't resist taking a photo of them to show you. hahaha well, this was probably the only few things that day that made me smile.

and these are two interesting creatures in my hall that relieves me of my 'pets-sickness'. :)

stop the blame-game

2008-12-02T20:42:00.003+08:00

been following the news on the Mumbai attacks quite closely. I'm quite intrigued by what many academics and writers have been saying on politics and reasons behind the attacks. I don't know if it's me or is there no solid stand on this issue, I feel that i'm unable to fully grasp the real motive of the attack and what the Indian government has been trying to do to help alleviate the situation, for now and in future. The only clear spot in this mess is the blame-game played by the Indian government.

I'm quite agreeable with an article i read in the Today's newspaper. As we all know, the Indian election is near, hence the writer was suggesting that the government were itself facing pressures to keep a clean record and so started the blame game, putting Pakistan as the scapegoat. True enough, as a reader of the news, I was led to focus on thinking if Pakistan did really have a hand in this and if the militants were really from Pakistan. This matter shifted my focus on the real issue: that it was the incompetence of the Indian government and its security forces that really led to this tragedy. So what if the militants were really from Pakistan? No matter where the militants came from, the very fact of the incompetencies in India's top officials directly led to the happening of such as event. It was said that the US intelligence did warn India that there could be an attack on its main business centers and landmarks through the sea route; however, the fact that such large scale attack and high casualty rate would obviously suggest that the Indian security officials did not heed this advice.

Furthermore, putting the blame on Pakistan and raising its security footing to 'war level' may 'backfire on the wider war on terrorism', as put down by the writer. By doing so, Pakistan threatened to revoke the 100000 troops from the western border who are committed to the war on terror. What this essentially mean is that the two countries are not fighting terrorism, they are fighting each other and at the same time, reducing their forces to combat terrorism. i think the terrorists would really applaud upon hearing such news. I'm seriously appalled at how a governments of nations can be so blinded by revenge and hate that they actually miss the whole point of the situation. Can't anyone see that what's crucial now is really to cooperate and nab the wanted? The aim here is to strengthen the already weak and fallable security network in both countries, and prevent future attacks (which was already announced by some terrorists) isn't it? Did they see how much sufferings and pain the commoners and foreigners went through, and all these is just due to their short of foresight and refusal to heed multiple warnings from different sources? I really don't understand... the world is too complicated.

I just wish that this blame-game would not escalate to another war between the two nuclear-armed countries. As if the world is not complicated enough, with the financial crisis just born and terrorism is of no way, under control.

senseless

2008-11-29T13:55:00.003+08:00

I was on my way home on the bus last night when i heard on tvmobile that the singaporean held hostage in Mumbai had died. I wasn't certain if i heard it right, since the bus was kind of noisy and all i could do was to lip-read and piece it together with whatever my ears could capture. At that time, i thought if it was true, he/she'd be the first singaporean to lose his/her life in a terror attack. True enough, when i got home and switched on the telly, CNA and all other news report confirmed what i roughly heard on the bus.

I had this strange (perhaps not) feeling within me when i heard this piece of news. This piece of news hit me harder than all previous reports on terrorist acts. It was shock, coupled with sadness and helplessness... i can't really describe exactly what i was feeling, it's all to peculiar. I think it's really different when such things happen to a fellow singaporean, it's something closer to heart. My sympathy really goes out to her family. As i read the pages of reports today, I couldn't help but agree with what our leaders have said, that no one, nowhere is spared from the acts of terrorism. And with all the descriptions in the papers, I imagined myself in those people's shoes and literally shuddered at the thoughts.

Also, it was a wake-up call to me and i think all singaporeans should have realised that singapore is not at all spared from such terrorist acts. I think it's the fact that one singaporean actually lost her life to terrorism that jolted me: a seemingly resilient Singapore could well be the next target of terrorism. And as Singaporeans, we should remain vigilant at all times (as cliche as it may sound) because i really think that the next target could possibly be us. Imagine yourself as a terrorist, what level of pride and satisfaction would you garner from being able to successfully strike a seemingly formidable and safe city like Singapore. We have never had a successful terrorist attack launched on our soil, but this doesn't mean that it will never ever happen. With the Indian terrorist threatening our hostage 'at gunpoint' to tell the Singapore government to tell Mumbai authorities to refrain from acting against them, it is a clear sign that terrorist now see Singapore as a clear opposition to terrorism and that our name has risen in status in their eyes. Hence the possibility of them plotting against us is unthinkably high.

The targets this time round were nothing unusual: the Americans and the Britons and probably the Isrealis. But have you seen the statistics? Only 3 Germans, 2 Americans, 1 Canadian, 1 Italian and 1 Briton were killed, as opposed to 133 Indians and other unidentified people. It is not known whether the militants were locals or foreigners. If they were locals, how ironic would it be to kill so many of your fellow citizens in the midst of getting back as the Westerners and effectively only killing a handful of them. No wonder they are labelled as 'senseless'. There's even attacks targeted at the mass public, like the random shooting of people at the railway station. I really can't see their focus in this attack. First, it seems that they're targeting the West by attacking places that are usual tourist attractions. Second, they seem to be looking for revenge as one of the militants questioned the Indian government, 'Are you aware how many people have been killed in Kashmir? Are you aware how your army has killed Muslims? Are you aware how many of them have been killed in Kashmir this week?' This is obviously political and religion-related.

A former member of India's parliament and adviser to the late Indian PM wrote that the chief of India's Anti-Terrorist Squad actually received a death threat from the nearby city of Pune. He however, did not bother to investigate it as his unit was 'busy playing games on behalf of its political masters'. How is it possible to ignore such threats that could possible regenerate into real terrorist acts which could have harmed the innocent? It is obvious that such government is blinded by politics and has in essence, lost its focus on governance. No wonder the writer labelled the article as 'A Shameful Collapse of Governance'. And to think at this point in time, the Indian government is putting the blame on Pakistan, for Pakistanis alleged involvement in this round of attacks, which Islamabad denies. There's even a threat to dismantle goodwill between the two countries that has just been established. If this were a motive of the terrorist, then they would have almost succeeded. Although i'm no expert at politics, I would think that the most crucial task at hand would be to put aside the blame-game and work together to nab these 'senseless creatures' and patch up their individual social, political and security network to prevent such tragedy from happening again. Because this is not only about India and Pakistan; it is about the foreigners in their territory too. The Japanese and the Singaporean, they're innocent.

THE WORLD IS FAR TOO COMPLICATED

terrible week soon to be over!

2008-10-03T00:37:00.002+08:00

this week sucks...so does the week before. mugging ang mugging and mugging and projects and essay assignments. i don't know why i'm doing things so slowly... and it's so hard to be quick. i hate this... i hate myself for being not-as-quick (smart). tomorrow's the IT quiz and that would mark the end of the quizzes, at least for this month i think. i do hope it is, really. kinda feeling that i can't breath. all thanks to the fact that i'm lagging. oh, and i failed my FM test today. 7/15. well done. but seriously, i can only blame myself for lagging and my slow brain in understanding finance. LHS is good, really learnt a lot from the video lectures. but then, too slow for my own good, and i still have not grasp the concepts fully. triple :(

kinda got a shock in the toilet. realised i might have hemorrhoid (i went online to check). nothing too serious usually, according to net sources. but i'm still a little worried... but hmm, should be ok. i'm worried cuz it's the first time such things happen... well maybe i'm too stressed. maybe i didn't eat enough veggies. okay i think i should go vegetarian.... veggies are nice. :)

okies, gotta gun hui qu study for IT. IT IT IT.... IT is everywhere! (quoted from 1st seminar) ahhhhhhhhh! next week's formal presentation! my first time... doh. anyone has any idea how to improve traffic at T3? newspaper article says it's dying down after the inital fuss, zhiyu says it's like a ghost town. sigh... i think i might go down to requee the place a little, get some inspiration to market it. DOH.

my favourite rabbit sweet!

2008-09-24T22:20:00.003+08:00

sigh..can't eat them anymore! all because of the unscrupulous china businessmen. irritating shit... and it's just so coincidental that i bought a packet of it 2 weeks ago. i've been eating them in order to suppress my hunger pangs during the lecture marathon i have every tues and thurs. i'm so sad now! most probably gotta depend on fruit bars now...

funny thing is, i bought many of those stuff that have high possibility of being 'poisoned' by melamine. i bought want want's 黑白配 wafer rolls just last week before the news of banned items came out. now i have another 3 packs of want want's ball cake too (you know those that you eat when you're young and they melt in your mouth.). 3 items sitting on my shelves but i'm afraid of eating them. i feel so deprived! okies whatever, back to mugging!!!!

confirmed banned item in my shelve.

Incredibly intelligent doggie!

2008-09-16T23:06:00.001+08:00

i'm utterly impressed by this german shephard. oh my, never thought dogs could be trained to this extent!

Mr Hero: 18 month-old Buddy

"Man's best friend" doesn't go far enough for Buddy _ a German shepherd who remembered his training and saved his owner, Joe Stalnaker by calling 911 when the man had a seizure. On a recording of the 911 call Wednesday, Buddy is heard whimpering and barking after the dispatcher answers and repeatedly asks if the caller needs help.

"Hello, this is 911. Hello ... Can you hear me? Is there somebody there you can give the phone to," says the dispatcher, Chris Trott. Police were sent to Stalnaker's home, and after about three minutes Buddy is heard barking loudly when the officers arrived. Scottsdale police Sgt.

Mark Clark said Stalnaker spent two days in a hospital and recovered from the seizure. "It's pretty incredible," Clark said. "Even the veteran dispatchers _ they haven't heard of anything like this." Clark said police are dispatched whenever 911 is called, but that Stalnaker's address was flagged in Scottsdale's system with a notification that a trained assistance dog could call 911 when the owner was incapacitated.

Clark said Stalnaker adopted Buddy at the age of 8 weeks from Michigan-based Paws with a Cause, which trains assistance dogs, and trained him to get the phone if he began to have seizure symptoms. Buddy, now 18 months old, is able press programmed buttons until a 911 operator is on the line, Clark said. Clark said Buddy has made two other 911 calls when Stalnaker was having seizures.

He said Stalnaker's seizures are the result of a head injury he suffered about 10 years ago during a military training exercise.

Adapted from Yahoo! news.

people

2008-09-15T00:36:00.003+08:00

got news that our MM Lee's health is facing some problem, abnormal heart rhythm it was reported. don't know why i felt kinda sad... scared maybe.. that we might soon be losing another good leader of Singapore. i do not really have much confidence with the newbies in the cabinet, nor do i see any leaders who have simlar capabilities as the older batch. i'm not a 100% pro-PAP person but i have my gratitude and respect to the many leaders that have brought us to what we are today. I do not think any of the prosperity and peace we are enjoying today are of any coincidence. Yet, some people are just apethetic. oh well...

anyway, back to the title 'people'. well, being in ntu for a month or so have enabled me to see more kinds of people, and perhaps, how people you used to think you know change. but i think the point i'm trying to say here is what sort of person i am. morale is kinda low now... cuz studies don't look good at all. all the rushing around, having lessons, activites, CCAs.... kind of driving me nuts a little. too early, you say? yeah i admit, but seriously this is how i'm feeling nowadays. occasional thoughts of giving up, of wondering if i did choose the right course, of asking for help... drifts pass too often for my own good. quiz is coming this wednesday and i'm pulling my hair. so much uncertainty... so frustrating. i'm feeling that i'm actually catching up a little, but thoughts that others are understanding much better than i do are stamping on my confidence (if there's much to speak of). at this point in time, i'm just hoping that i can remember and understand as much as i can.

so it goes, 人比人真的会比死人.

i am just hoping and praying for the best on wednesday. cuz a senior told me that such quizzes should aim for full marks. something that isn't impossible, but now with my level of knowledge now. ahhhhhhhhhhhh :'(

只能坚强

2008-09-03T18:16:00.002+08:00

人最糟糕的就是脆弱。

所以，真的不能让自己脆弱。

死都不能。

never for this reason

2008-08-28T00:09:00.003+08:00

i've never felt so helpless before, when it comes to studies. never the high-flyer but you know, just hanging in there. it's just 4 weeks into term and here i am, trying desperately to figure out my stuffs. sometimes i do wonder if i've made the right decision by choosing this course. why did i do this, i really don't know at times. for prestige? for others or for myself? sometimes i feel so tired... tired of doing things because they're right, because it's good for me, because it's practical, because of others' expectations of me... just because i'm academically qualified. does that alone equate to myself being qualified, wholesomely?

now i really understand the importance of choosing a course which sits on interest. now i know, but am i doing things right? it's all too late to come to a realisation, isn't it? i've got 3 more years to go. it just seems so long, especially when i'm only 4 weeks into term. i've 9 more to go. someone help me.. or rather, please help myself.

let it just be for tonight. and i hope my eyes will be normal tmr.

i wish for a little more time and wit

2008-08-22T14:47:00.002+08:00

life is crazy in ntu... and in accountancy. whoever told me accountancy is quite relax and that it's possible to aim for As and nothing less than a B ought to be shot. i'm not even thinking about exams, i'm just struggling very terribly to finish my assignments now. the financial management stuffs are so bloody difficult i'm totally lost for words. and it's just so frustrating when you can't even complete the assignment and people are like presenting answers that show that they actually understand the concepts super well. i feel so demoralised...so lost and so helpless. i admit i should not have lagged from the very beginning but the fact that i've not much people to turn to when i have questions or problems totally worsened the situation i'm in now. kinda fated that i'm actually taking the more difficult set of modules compared to the other group. financial management and IT are like totally out of the world to me... wished i'd read more about financial stuff over the past few months. why do i always regret the stuff i should have done, especially when i did know that i should be reading up in the past few months but i didnt?

i really think i lack discipline. someone should just slap me lah, this is getting so frustrating. i need to learn to motivate discipline myself...somehow. i really can't go on like this or i'll really be flunking the exams. :( i don't know if staying in hall is a good idea. although i'm not too involved in hall activities... somehow i feel i'm less able to study in hall. but then taking into account the travelling time, i think hall might just be better. sigh i think it's just me. i need to wake up. things are going to get worse when CCA starts.

hello NTU

2008-08-09T00:37:00.002+08:00

no exclamation marks, no full-stop, no smiley, no saddie. my mood is just like that recently after camp, like a ball rolling downhill, i'm just pulled along by my commitments in school. neither am i all for it nor against it... just part of my duty as a nineteen-year-old in university. really hope i'll be able to pull out of this jaded feeling soon... maybe when hall life starts getting more exciting and when CCA starts and i get to know more (nice) people.

haven't been consistent in blogging cuz i was tied up in school - camps followed by welcome day and lectures this week. i've been staying in hall quite a bit and being laptop-less means i can't go online even to check mails when i want to. i want a lappie sooooon! OMG my only entertainment is the (old, n-year-old) radio. but seriously, nowadays song on FM93.3 are getting a teeny bit not to my liking...tending to switch to FM88.3 instead. sigh... even with this minimal amount of distraction, i'm not even reading up on my notes. that's sad (and really bad).

anyway, camp from the 28th july to 2nd august was quite fun! got to meet a lot of people...to the extent that i can't even remember all of their names, and these people are the seniors. =X so it's not so bad eh. :) did a lot of stupid, throw-face, fun, dangerous stuffs during the camp. lots of cheering till i went a bit hoarse...and then i had to sing on the last night. haha! that wasn't very nice! =X games were ok, but quite a lot of body contacts with the males especially the pool games. but seriously, i think the pool games were the best! captain's ball and diving...wooh! diving was really an experience man! and it's something i never want to engage in for long term, and i don't think i'd ever wanna try it again. the water-gushing-into-the-nose feeling sucks to the max, and i was wearing contacts that day. haha! oh and on the third day (i think), we 'ran' from boon lay all the way to pasir ris. not literally... cuz we did take some trains along the way. but i think the distance we covered is definitely not less than 7km. and my old nike sports shoe had to choose that day to disintegrate. the front sole was flapping and the left heel area was totally ripped off, so i was like walking on an inverted high-heel if you get the idea. terrible shit! and that was only half the journey covered - we were only at bugis. our final destination was aloha loyang. beach games there were fun!! thought the sun was quite terrible so i praise myself for deciding to wear a short-sleeved top. :D finale night was totally... (i'm speechless). caked in flour mixed with water and gooey black stuff that was put on my arms. looked really like a total wreck after that, and that was 6am in the morning when it all ended. spent half the night waiting around but luckily had campbell soup and dessert fed to me at intervals. must really say that the seniors are very 'welfare' apart from the tekan shit they made us do. another half the night was doing stupid things like shouting 'xx is a bapok!!!!' or 'xxx i love you!!!!' damn stupid cuz we had to scream whatever they told us to when they press a button on our face. (yes we're blind-folded and had masking tape taped over our eyes and stuff drawn on it).

this week was lecture week. luckily no tutorials (cuz those were our first lectures). i thought the worst was the financial management seminar, i was totally lost as to what the heck the prof was saying about the interest rates being compounded semi-annually and some other concepts that i can't even name now. freaked out by classmates who seem to know everything or at least something. i think i'm demoralised. better start reading up my text tomorrow. -pulls hair- -stamps feet-

okay i'll go to sleep now. tata! :D

2008-07-24T18:15:00.002+08:00

haha so amusing! i actually have male celebrity look-a-likes! kangta and rain were the two most unexpected ones. because i can only choose 5 out of the 9 or 10 photos, not all are shown here. but through the 3 tests with different photos, 2 names kept appearing. they are Phyllis Quek and Aya Matsuura. haha don't really know the latter though but i think she's quite pretty. :) shall go try with my friends' photos and see whose faces come out. =P

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2008-07-24T18:10:00.001+08:00

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Geneology - Familytrees

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2008-07-24T18:04:00.001+08:00

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities - Collage - Morph

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2008-07-24T17:57:00.001+08:00

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph

Event @Bottle Tree Park - 18 July 2008

2008-07-24T15:21:00.006+08:00

Marshal at one of the game stations. :)

A peek through

nice view from my station

not a well-taken photo, but i liked the feeling of walking along this pathway. :)

i think i might just go back there one day. the peace and serenity is addictive, just by the few hours i've sat there waiting for the games to start. i love Bottle Tree Park!

questionnaire :)

2008-07-22T21:48:00.004+08:00

a) people who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

b) tag 4 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. these people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. continue this game by sending it to other people.

majella woo wen hui tagged me on July 5. (i know that's quite some time back =X but this kinda thing... needs to be in the mood to do it.)

1. if your lover betrayed you, what would your reaction be?
be angry. cry. think, reflect and (try to) be strong again. i'd take it as one of life's lessons and move on.

2. if you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
have a happy family, now and in future. :)

3. if you had a free airplane ticket to go anywhere for one month, where would you go?
wah, a round-the-world one? switzerland, zurich, boston, paris, egypt, japan, states and finally thailand! hahaha am i greedy or what? =P

4. what would you do with a billion dollars?
hmm billion dollars? i think i'll keep a third of it and the rest goes to my family, less-known charities that genuinely need help and to the schools i've attended. :)

5. what's your ideal lover like?
(oh well, i don't like being idealistic cuz these things are never true.) but if i have to describe, he would be tall (at least 1.78m), sporty, humourous, family-guy, honest, non-smoker/drinker/gambler and must love me a lot. HAHAHA

6. which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
of course it would be being loved! but i like the feeling of loving someone more, i think. haha i think i like to torture myself =X i've always thought being able to love someone teaches you what love really is. :) for me at least, because i learn best through experiential learning.

7. how long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
depends on whether he loves me too. i believe in reciprocal love. i think it's hard for me to love someone indefinitely if he doesn't reciprocate. i guess i would wait for as long as i can if he loves me too.

8. if the person you secretly like is attached, what would you do?
ahh get over it lah. haha you mention it's 'like', not 'love' right? to me, liking someone and loving someone is different. Liking is just like a crush, it's easier to get over it. Quote a friend, 'time eats up people's emotions'. i'll let time do it :)

9. is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
quite a few. they come to mind at different times of the day.

10. what cheers you up the fastest?
seeing a person i really want to see when i feel like it/ eating something i really want to eat when i feel like it/ hearing a song that i really want to hear... haha

11. how do you see yourself in ten years' time?
confident, mature, capable and happy with a stable job, and with someone to share my happiness maybe? haha how idealistic. tell me that i'm thinking too much.

12. who are currently the most important people to you?
the people i'm close to. and dogs too. :D

13. the person who tagged you, what kind of person do you think he or she is?
hahaha. uhm. happy, childlike, brave (she does things that i'm always thinking twice about), green, skinny, sporty! yes, YOU are suppose to smile when you read this! :)

14. would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
none of the above! =P

15. what do you do during the holidays?
i do what everyone does! eat, slack, sleep, go online, shopping, sports. eat, slack, sleep, go online, shopping, sports. eat, slack, sleep, go online, shopping, sports...

16. would you give your all in a relationship?
obviously! unless at some point in time, you realise the other party doesn't treasure your company anymore.

17. if you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
i don't believe in loving two persons at the same time. but if i've to choose, it'd definitely be the one i love more.

18. what type of friends do you like?
people with the same frequency. and those that have common activities as me :)

2 people to do this:
- huhdelian
- congming

these are the more possible people who would do it, but congming doesn't have a blog. =X

放弃? 放下?

2008-07-22T17:35:00.002+08:00

放弃是懦弱；放下需要勇气

累了，想卸下一些包袱，放慢脚步

读一读云的故事，闻一闻雨的味道

是放弃？还是放下？

纵然暂且不愿退缩，不能洒脱

抱着这样的梦想

也得以释然

adapted from crazycoolcute

at Bottle Tree Park

2008-07-18T23:22:00.003+08:00

someone said i look athletic today. hawhawhaw :)

someone:"eh sihui, were you an athlete in school or something?"
me: -stares agape-

hahaha how cool is that?! and that person's someone i just met today during the event. geehee i think that made me high. :D no one, in my 19 years, ever told me i look athletic until today. :D

went to work for half a day today. marshal for Inttra's teambuilding event at Bottle Tree Park. quite a good and happy experience today, not just because of the reward. really liked the place i was at today...though there were the irritating mozzies and heat. the sun wasn't that bad today but i think i still got a little more tanned. met quite a few interesting people today, one of whom i felt she looked really familiar but i just can't pin-point who she reminds me of exactly. her name made it even worse...Belle...i've never knew anyone with this name before and she's like, out of my circle of friends in every aspect. hmmm let's just take it that she has a common face alright. don't really like this 似曾相识 feeling whenever i get it, it's kinda eerie. haha it either makes me really puzzled or just makes my judgement wrong all of a sudden.

today also made me feel that i'm really not an events person, in the sense that i don't think i want to organise any major events if i have a choice. i think i just don't have a flair for it, there's just too many things that my brain can't take. especially those that require me to make on-the-spot decisions. i think i'm not too good at that and i don't wanna try to prove myself wrong cuz i may be right. just felt afraid that my judgement might be wrong but then again, in such situations, any decision made is a good one because it does drive everyone in the same direction and that alone, makes this right. and doing events need passion, cuz it's the thing that will push you on when you have to make many sacrifices and countless hours of OTs for preparation and post-event wrap-ups. i don't think i'm up to it, yet.

on a side note, i received a call from a person called Kenneth from NTU Sports Club, asking if i'd like to join their Sports Camp next week. so damn bloody last-minute eh? kinda put off...and the call came at 10.33pm. HAH to think they have to go to such extent to ask people to go for their camp. i'd always thought they're the 'hottest thing' around where demand for places far exceeds supply? hmmm... fishy stuff. anyway i rejected them. don't think they're my bunch of people, they are fit, pretty, handsome, egoistic...i'm not. just let me be my plain old jane and not subject myself to unnecessary comparisons. futhermore, sunday is my 10k run. don't think my legs, knees and brain are in any good condition to be trashed out during the camp. =X i'm weak...so let me be. and after so long waiting for camp comms to reply, i've kind of thought it through. maybe not going for camps isn't so bad afterall. i think i might need some time to be alone, to do my many stuffs yet to be done. i'd just take fate as it wants me to be.

ahh school's starting in 17 days. freak! this is freaky. i hope time drags itself for the next week or so. i am so not prepared. i promise i'll find the strength to...i just need time.

splash

2008-07-16T21:55:00.002+08:00

splashes... ripples ripples ripples...
like water droplets, our actions send ripples in all directions.
we should just be more careful with our words and actions. the older we get, the more we need to be.

first failed attempt

2008-07-16T20:44:00.003+08:00

at going back to my primary school! -shruggs- security guard was anal i guess. maybe it's cuz little primary school kids are more gullible that's why more caution had to be taken. =X so sad lah... couldn't even get into the canteen for breakfast can?! ended up eating at sgoon market with yanyi...chatted quite a bit so i guess it's not so bad afterall. ooh and seeing that the sun was so hot today, i decided to go for a swim in the evening! haha i hope i do look a bit tanner now! :D and i realised that sgoon swimming complex has lower charges for entrance! so cool lah...shall drag congming here next time! cleaner (much much cleaner) pool than the one at toa payoh and it's cheaper! :D :D

class outing stuff seems to be going on fine :) phew! really not good at such stuff and considering the number of times we met up since after the A's, the apprehension that i'm feeling is not uncalled for. glad that more people are considering to come! PLEASE COME PEOPLE!!! hahaha wondering who'd see(hear) my plea over here. cliques are scary, once a person decide not to come, it'd most probably mean a few others are not coming too. gosh i hate chain effects like this. haha not that i'm not guilty of it too. :( just hope sat night will be real fun, though i can't stay out too late. ahhhhhhh shape...i'll kill you. HAHA =P

woooh badminton tmr! wheeee good good good! and a job on friday! double wheeee! some cash in hand would definitely make me feel better when i have the urge to buy stuff. hoho! this week's gonna feel accomplished!

'when it's late at night and you're all alone..'

2008-07-15T00:41:00.004+08:00

i think i will become emo. HAHA. crap... just when you realised you're rejected from camp. sucks. why is the world so superficial? or maybe i should be asking myself, why do i not look good enough, in their sense of the word? ah whatever, i think i should be thankful that they actually bothered to send a notification email rather than leaving me waiting for christmas like what the NBS camp comm's shit people did. oh well, i think i'm not meant to be sociable. just when i wanted to meet more people, i didnt get any of the camps. haha shalewoba, for sending out applications late maybe.

anyway, organising a class outing is so shitty. especially when only half replied. duh... if you're not interested, could you just press 2 letters telling me that you're not coming? email is free btw, if you all didn't know. anyway i think i'm just gonna go ahead with it. haha! at least huhdelian is coming! then i won't feel bored... hohoho. am thinking of mind cafe but don't really know which branch is better. looked through the list of games available at each branch... might just go for the prinsep or purvis one. looks like the more accessible ones. :) anyway it's so sad that i can't stay out too late cuz i've gotta run the shape thing the next day. rahhhh... just shoot me. i don't even know why i signed up for 10km. my dear sister...thank you very much. i think this run is making me not want to run for stanchart in december. but i like the tee...haha damn shit lah me. oh wells, i don't know. maybe then there will be friends to jio me go run, and maybe i would! =X

was packing my really messy room today and found a lot of funny stuffs. and i think i got the can't-bear-to-throw-things-away syndrome. as in those notes... geog and math ones, she bu de to throw them away. just reminds me of the late nights i spent writing them...they're my sweat and uh... lost-sleep. haha... i think i might just keep some of them. as for math...i keep thinking i might want to tutor next time. but then again, even if i do i don't think i'd tutor JC math. it's too horrendous to teach them, cuz i have the fear of not knowing how to solve them myself. =X okay yah, it's still there in a pile. my sis is so gonna scream at me.

oh wells, certain things just revive those memories. some that i can't bear to... or maybe don't want to remember. but they're all there, the familiar handwriting and smiley..the scribbles the questions and the memories that come with everything. i'm not sure if i want to keep them. those scribbles of lyrics or inspiration that come on random days...found some of them today hidden between sheets of assignments and notes. haha! probably fated to just chance upon them through the many pages i flipped today. i think i might have missed out some too. that's something i like about packing old stuffs...cuz you might just find some long-lost notes and scribbles that you've long forgotten about.

memories...they're just like long-lost memories waiting to be re-discovered. if i could still remember... if i still want to.

i lost my faith you gave it back to me
you said no star was outta reach
you stood by me and i stood tall

i'm sorry, old man! :(

2008-07-13T22:46:00.004+08:00

i stepped on old man's paw just now, but he didn't growl at me. ahhhhh :( i feel so bad. it's not the first time. i don't know how to describe that feeling, it's just feeling very sorry for him and at the same time, apologetic and... sad. i mean, the reason behind the reaction, or rather the lack of reaction just shows the trust, bond and love he has for his owners. it's something that comes only with the years and faith built up over these years. one can never fathom the bond that exist between dogs and their owners simply because it's unspeakable. it's the common understanding between them that only dog owners will know. i remember he used to growl at as over the slightest things...that was i think, probably 10 years ago.

mr. lucky, please stay with us for at least the next 3 years, please?

领悟

2008-07-11T23:26:00.005+08:00

常常在渴望拥有与害怕失去之间矛盾。渴望拥有但又害怕又失去的一天；害怕失去而不敢试着去争取使不是懦弱的行为？因为存有害怕，所以不敢争取。也因为害怕，在拥有的同时并不完全快乐，感觉一切不会持久。心里总是很纳闷，如此虚拟、虚幻的事根本不堪一击，但自己怎么还要硬强求呢？很可悲吧？

那是前些时候写的一段文字，今天无意的在本子上看到。很巧的心里又有一些新的领悟。

‘很多事情其实很简单，使我们把它想复杂了。’偶然的在电视上听到剧中人物所说的一句话，突然就有了共鸣。是啊，自己有时候真得想太多，太深了。有时真的不知道又没有这个必要，苦了自己也苦了别人。太理智的脑袋是否应该有放纵的时候？有，是有放纵过。就在前几个月，但好像因为少放纵所以出错了。

在外界的影响下决定放纵。说放纵，因为这不是我一贯的作风。真的有想过不持久的问题，肯定过因大家所处的位置，所以知道不管兜多大的圈子也只会有一个下场。一直以一种不安分的心态见面，只是一味的随着外界的影响，因为只有这样才能解答我心里深处的一个问题：到底多久？今天好像有答案了，就是这么久吧。不是真的从此以后不联络，只是真的明白了，我所谓的界限是存在着的。学会了以后要对自己的想法多一些信心，把持著自己的一些信念，真的会活得比较快乐。如果身为朋友真的可以随时见面，说话聊天一派胡言都可以。这个不一样。嗯，界限是存在的，所谓礼多人不怪，就是的样子。

Courage is

2008-07-09T14:35:00.002+08:00

拿着斧头到处说自己要去打虎的人，并不是真正勇敢的人，他只是因为无知而无所畏惧。会惧怕的人是因为他有智慧。有智慧的人不是用斧头而是用陷阱来抓虎。明明惧怕却还是执行，并为此发挥才智的人，这才是真正有勇气的人。

- 祺霞太王四神记

Appreciate everything but get attached to nothing...

2008-07-08T21:34:00.008+08:00

i've decided i'd change it to 'Appreciate everything, get attached but know when you have to loosen it.' isn't this a better way of viewing life? to me, it's almost impossible to appreciate things but not get attached to it, especially after sufficient time has passed. i'm really an emotional and melancholic person, thus i can't not get attached to things and people around. it just dawned upon me today... just sudden realisation that made me ask for the add. i've just done it, just in case i decide to retreat into the turtle shell of mine again. :) i think meeting and parting is just part of life, and emotions too come with it. so i guess i should just live for the moment and appreciate things that come my way. anyway, appreciation without attachment cannot be whole-hearted appreciation, and feeling attached without appreciating is just mindless craze.

went back to AJ (again) today. ate vegetarian stuffs that i like. hoho! bought 2 muffins today too! always wanted to try this stall's muffins since it looks not bad and it's been around for more than half a year already, so should be quite nice. majella thought it wasn't nan chi, but i thought it was pretty ok. ate the oreo one and gave the raspberry oat to ms zhu. :) sister thought it was bo liao to go back and do such stuff, but seriously i think i needed to do something random to make myself happy and relaxed before school starts and after such a long period at work. at least i've fulfilled one of the few things i really want to do before all the crazy school stuffs start piling in. i think the next thing is to visit the zoo and maybe get my level 1 to be a certifed belayer. :) then i get to belay people too! which means cherling will get to climb even if there's only both of us at climbing! wooh! okay i'd better set my heart, brain and soul to go apply. =X anyway, majella and i drew something today and gave it away...hopefully she can appreciate it. didn't really care if it was childish or random or nonsensical, i just wanted to give it. let me be oblivious and do what i really want to do...for once. at least it made me feel good, about not thinking too much. oh, and today made me realise i can act rather well over the phone. haha, being an imposter for 15 seconds or so and surprising someone can be really so fun. i think the muffin saved the day. :) 'i'm cheryl from council...' HAHA cute.

note: i drew the right one only.

tada! i think it's quite nice eh! i think majella disagrees quite a bit. :(

before i turn away again, just let me.

2008-06-27T23:13:00.003+08:00

拥有了再失去会比从来都没有拥有过来得痛苦。
记忆是一个行囊，陪伴着我到世界流浪。
我把悲伤都装上翅膀，
再见了就不能倔强
该忘了你对不对，怕自己无法面对。
无怨无悔，把一切留给纪念，
渐渐就习惯不再想，忘记曾经最痛的地方。
该忘了你对不对，我应该坚强面对，学会遗忘。
记忆会为我收藏那些美丽时光，为你付出过的力量。
带着我去寻找幸福的希望。

- 陈宏宇，周蕙

work's ending... sooooon

2008-06-27T22:41:00.002+08:00

hmmm don't know to be happy or sad. of course i think i'd definitely miss my bunch of great colleagues there...more of friends than colleagues i must say. those that i've been spending lunch time with, i really appreciate their company. with them around, lunch would definitely be full of laughter, teasing and what-nots. i think their presence in my working stint has made working life better... much much better. when i'm bored, i can go ka-chau them or go kop some crackers to eat. when i'm feeling frustrated, i can always go to her to su ku. i think these people have really been understanding and patient with my blurness (i think they enjoyed laughing at me more than anything), my inexperience and the mistakes i've made. learnt quite a bit from them too! i think i can communicate better with different kinds of people, and meeting candidates who come for interview has made me more alert and articulate. although my PR skills aren't fantastic, i must say i've definitely become quicker in thinking and saying the right things (almost). i think i've gotten quite comfortable with this bunch of people plus the thought of school-reopening not being able to entice me, i kind of hope that work's not ending so soon. but then again, i want to get out of some chores that i have to do at work. those that involves a person nagging and pushing every little chore to me, acting as if she's afraid that i'd not finish her work and being very anal about every other thing kinda put me off. oh yes, i have thus learnt the skill of tolerance which will definitely be useful in future, i would think.

had the first farewell lunch today with SVP, VP and the FM department. it was at Yummy Seoul at square 2, the food's not too bad though the choices were quite limited. chatted a little but didn't have the courage to ask SVP about his wife being a partner at one of the Big 4s. quite curious but hmm... no courage and not too right a time? haha just excuses lah... shoot me please. =X i hope i'll get to ask him within next week, if the situation would allow. :)

oh! i bumped into wayne today! haha quite a coincidence...yes the thing about being in the vicinity with that person at the same time = fate. ( haha fate..i believe a lot in it.) was kinda late this morning but i insisted on buying breakfast for my not-very-full tummy since last night. went to BK the first time round and realise the queue is pretty long so i decided to try OCK but that was even worse, twice as long. decided to head back to BK to get some food and just when i was leaving BK , i heard someone calling my name! looked around at one glace without spotting any familiar faces, just one army guy in the midst of the crowd. actually didn't bother about that guy and when i looked closely, oooh it's wayne! hahaha man! he looked so different... in a good way i mean. :) skinnier or should i say fitter? haha definitely better than the previous lazy-and-nua wayne in AJ. sigh... was just conversing with a friend through email at work today and told her about this, and she was mentioning how guys that have gone into army looked so much better now (well, most). good for them! but we were saying how we wish we could cut our weight like they do, and i was just saying the price to pay is all the terrible things they have to go through. oh well, i think i shall just stick to my current relatively active lifestyle. :) anyway, wayne was going for physiotheraphy this morning...hope he's fine and that his injury wasn't all that bad. cuz i know the feeling of going through such therapies...boring, torturous, painful and expensive. heh... hope to bump into more classmates soon! (maybe i should organise a class outing????? i'm just wondering how many would actually agree and turn up.)

aches and pain everywhere

2008-06-24T22:54:00.003+08:00

went climbing at climb asia yesterday... quite an accomplishment i must say! climb 4 different walls, compared to the previous times' 3. but seriously i think i almost died on the 4th one... grip was like 10-20% left. didn't manage to chalk well too...but continued climbing anyway, with semi-sweaty palms. GAH managed some smearing though my toes hurt real bad. :( but i guess it did help quite a bit with my advancement cuz my hands were uh..quite useless by then. overall i guess it was good attempt that day mostly because of the companionship i had. 3 of CL's friends were there and 2 of them could belay. so CL got to climb more and i had sufficient chances to as well. hmm wonder if i could join this group of climbing pals next time too. :)

went running the next day cuz i thought i wasn't exactly hurting that much in the arms. but i guess i was quite wrong as my arms felt funny after 3km, think i held them too long in the same position when i was running. quite terrible...that feeling. felt damn shacked after the run... not to mention the next day at work. every arm and back muscle ached and my left calf's muscle was kind of over-strained. :( still had to do filing and carry some 'heavy' stuffs. 'heavy' cuz my arms do not possess my usual strength. =X

ahh i want to climb again after my pain goes away. but i really don't feel like running anymore... it's becoming more of a chore than an enjoyable thing. how sad! maybe i won't sign up for stanchart this year. =X

i'm a seashell

2008-06-22T01:11:00.002+08:00

‘有一种想见不敢见的伤痛
让我的思念越来越浓’
-
‘以前我不懂得未必明天就有以后
想念是会呼吸的痛
它活在我身上所有角落
哼你爱得歌会痛看你的信会痛
连沉默也痛
遗憾是会呼吸的痛
它流在血液中来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛
恨不懂你会痛
想见不能见会痛’

friend, acquaintance or...

2008-06-18T21:33:00.002+08:00

no, i don't remember getting myself into such a situation. i used to think that if this is definitely not possible and so, what's the point of starting? it's a funny thing, relationships are. there is no definite definition of your relationship with someone. a noun alone doesn't say it all. certain relationships forbid you to act in a certain manner, such that missing someone doesn't give you the light to meet up. it's funny to do it so often, because of the status quo, and maybe also the fact that awkward silence may surface too often in that period of time. it really depends on the status of each individual in that relationship.

i'm always in a dilemma. i think i know what i want...but it doesn't necessarily mean that i will get that and whether getting it is good or bad, it really depends. if you know you're gonna be away for a long period, and you have someone whose company you really treasure. would you want to meet up more often before going away? or would you just let it go, not meet up and let your feelings fade with time? the latter seems like a typical drama sequel. i mean, if things are unsustainable... why try to stuff yourself deeper into the s___ and then make it even harder to get out of eventually? 'time detaches you well from people too. time eats up your emotions! it's good too. BUT aiyah sad too (in a way)'. that's such a good reflection of putting my (weird) thinking into words. i think i might be a little sadistic. maybe it's just that i believe in 长痛不如短痛. maybe i'm too rational...in a sense. i think it makes me not pursue things i like or want, which i believe (and it most probably is) will not last or have the intended outcome i want. maybe i think too much. yeah...i think that's my problem. seriously i can't help it. my brain just branches out naturally to think of all factors and the effect of my decisions. thus i worry a lot. i'm a worrywart, i admit. sometimes i feel lucky that i'm not a guy... like that how to court girls?! think so much and finally when you want to take action, she's most probably taken away. ah, weird analogy. i think my friend thinks of better analogies.

'i think im too impulsive... i'll just do whatever i feel like doing. like.. FOOD. i feel like eating chocolates. i can just eat and eat and eat until i don't feel like eating. you won't cuz you know it's heaty. but i don't bother??!! haha i just do whatever i feel like doing! childish.' that's part of an email correspondence with a friend at work. well, i don't know...it sound pretty true. i mean, it's TOTALLY what i wanted to say put in a nice analogy. yes i will not eat heaty stuff no matter how nice they are, because i will fall sick after that? haha oh man. i don't think that's being childish...it's normal. i think adults do that too! it's just a different set of neuro we have, isn't it? that's what really makes a person different from another. that's why we have personality tests. sometimes i wish i could be like that. it's the 不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有 kinda thing. ( i don't know why i can only think of chinese translation of what i want to say. well i guess it paints quite a good picture of what i am trying to say.) a person like me would find it difficult to do things as and when i feel like it. but sometimes, the ability to do just that can be comforting and it probably provides a sense of relief to people like me. or maybe it will only be so if the results are not disastrous. =P i mean, who doesn't wish that we could just do what we wish without thinking about the effects of our aciton? it's definitely less stressful that way.

looking back at the email correspondences today, i noticed something really wrong with myself. i'm saying thing in opposition to what my heart and brain think. and my friend is saying exactly what i wish i could do. sigh... why am i so rebellious? the conclusion that i made out of this is that i'm not doing what i really want because i know it will not end well. but why can't i just do it, and yeah enjoy and live for the moment. the same scenario happened when i was choosing the universities. in my heart, i'm battling with myself because i'm thinking of all the good of smu and when i talk to others, i say that smu is good because of this, this and that. but when my mum tries to persuade me to accept smu's offer, i tell her all the negative stuff that i dislike about smu, portraying an image that i really don't want smu. i'm such an a__ i realise. how annoying a person i am. =X

Cows are cute. Laugh at them! :D

2008-06-17T18:46:00.003+08:00

I really like surprises like this once in a while. Surprises make me happy! i'm gay today! HAHAHA =P

hi...i'm from NTU.

2008-06-03T13:56:00.004+08:00

Doesn’t sound as good as saying, “hi, I’m from SMU.” Somehow... I get this feeling. It’s just the prestige thing, isn’t it? Did I want to get into SMU, just because it’s more prestigious, as it sounds? I do admit that it is also the exposure that it provides especially the multiple internships I can get out of it, as well as the nice profs and staffs there. But there’s still that feeling, the feel that SMU is better than NTU. I think it’s something subconscious but at the same time, it feels real. Quite surprisingly, I was actually having some kind of ‘withdrawal symptom’ last night, the few hours before the closing of the acceptance period.

The ‘good’ of SMU just kept flooding my brain, but luckily the ‘bad’ of NTU didn’t surface. Actually I can’t think of anything bad about NTU except that it is darn far and the graduates may not be that eloquent. Not that I’m very affected by that. I think I’m just being anal…I kept thinking ‘okay, I’m actually giving up a place in SMU. SMU... It’s SMU!’ And there’s what my mum said, “If people hear of you rejecting SMU because of NTU, when you’re actually given a place, they’ll just think you’re stupid.” Sometimes I wonder if I’d made that decision to spite her, but seriously and confidently, I know I’m not so foolish to ruin my future by making such an immature decision out of spite. Despite that, I can’t help but feel slightly inferior and a teeny bit of confidence drain when I think of the competition with the other graduates. But then again, I seriously doubt my ability to adapt to SMU’s ‘rah-rah’ and very-english culture. I know it’s beneficial to be very proficient in English but I think I will not be as happy as I’d be in NTU. At that point in time, I really felt someone should just slap me and ask me to wake up my bloody idea. I don’t even know why I’m worrying, or if I’m worrying for the right reason. As I’ve mentioned in my previous posts, I know I should be contented given the choices I have, but I’m not. Definitely not. I think this is one of the few rare times that I find that I can’t control myself…can’t stop myself from being so ‘disgustingly’ insatiable. It’s like, isn’t NTU good enough? Why am I asking for more? As it seems, that SMU was the ‘more’ I was craving for.

And I drifted off to sleep sometime around here…the thought then was a positive one, I think. Cuz I woke up thinking that I’ll make myself excel anywhere, as long as I maintain focus and work real hard. As I’ve always believed, what’s most important is not the abundance of opportunities, it’s whether you grab them and make the most of it. I think I’m one who needs the company of close friends, for play or for study. Therefore I should just stand by my decision, which was actually my initial want. Maybe first impressions are meant to be right…I do hope so.

Anyway, it’s June the third today…

虽然我愿意

2008-06-01T01:04:00.007+08:00

心碎人孤寂
虽然我愿意
心还想着你

so little words but they mean so much. fell in love with this song by Wu Jia Hui... maybe partly because of the TV8 drama <<变奏曲>>. haha i actually thought this song was sung by a girl ok! man... but the words in the end did say there's a female version. hmm... even if there is, they really sound the same. o.O simple song but it's really nice! shall go try it at kbox when i go there. hehe!

it's been exactly a month since i blogged! last post was 1 may and right now it's 1 june! oh my...and it's huh de sister's birthday today! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! haha old woman already...coming home at 2am and never bring key. gotta open the door for her AGAIN. hahaha! wait till i stay in hall... mum's gonna scream at you! =p i think work's really keeping me busy...and tired, and not feeling the need/want to blog.

-

sometimes i wish i could be more sensitive, more acute to subtleties and... more careful with words? i can be really 'huh' sometimes in these things, but i'm learning just that at too slow a pace for my own good. i think i know why i'm bad at such stuff. perssonally, i'm quite a straightforward person if the situation calls for it. i mean, if i don't think i'd ever agree or accept your decision to do something, i'd make it really clear that it's a no-no. i'm not being mean or what, it's just that i don't want to give you a teeny bit of hope when in actual fact, that thing will never happen. it'll just be more beneficial for both parties; you don't have to continue hoping that something good will come out of your suggestion or proposal, neither would i have to continue to bear your constant bugging. i've been positioned at both ends before and i think i'm faring better at the giving end. i'd really tell you i'm not interested (and you should stop bugging me). it's quite terrible being at the other cuz i'm bad at deciphering the codes: are you just being nice by saying the 'maybes' and 'quite okay' or are these just formalities?

just went climbing yesterday. quite happy with my performance cuz i managed to climb a more difficult route yesterday. :) one with a little inclination which makes it real difficult to climb at one section (for me). really felt like giving up at that section...felt like dying and just letting go. that's the thing about climbing. sometimes you really feel like taking the easier path and just letting go. but when you perservere on, you realise that you can actually do it! you might need to rest a little while, refuel (chalk) and then go again. it works! and it feels damn good when you reach the top stone... all the pain and agony are just worth it. so it's really your choice: perservere and hit the top or give up and live with the regret of the 'should haves'. it applies to our lives too! (but one thing, i think i'll still take size 7 for now =P)

oh and i just found out one friend of mine is going to smu's accountancy! ha, well well. is this like retribution? ok, maybe not retribution...sounds too bad too serious and too negative. i've always wanted to know whether smu or ntu's better, which graduates are more popular with employers. before today, no one could give me a satisfying answer and i just left it as there is no one correct answer because i believe there are definitely good and bad ones from each university. now, it just dawned upon me that i'll finally get a concrete and convincing answer- in 3 years' time. her and me, as living proofs and testament to my hypothesis. i can't see any good coming out of it unless i really did fare better. i actually hope someone could actually pre-empt me about stuffs like this...ever since primary school. like how important english is because the application to university would be more smooth-sailing with better english grades. this time, i just wish someone could reassure me that my choice is a right one. though my senior told me quite a bit about ntu's accountancy programme and there was nothing much i should worry about, i don't know why i'm still apprehensive. does it mean my choice isn't really what i wanted? what do i want? i'm not even sure myself. but then again, shouldn't i be thankful to receives such offers, especially to such faculties? i'm human afterall, give one more, one will ask for even more. just like being rich doesn't guarantee you happiness, because problems and unhappiness do arise from being rich. one of my friend's nick in msn says 'don't go looking for more, wind up with less.' it's true, isn't it? is this 知足常乐, or is it just settling for less without even fighting or thought?

tomorrow's the last day for acceptance. i doubt i'll be making any changes to my choice. i think i'll just make the best out of it... just like what i wrote in mom's birthday card, 'i'll live with it'. and i will live well.

don't really feel like going back to school. but i can't be doing brainless administrative stuff all my life right? i really like the working environment now, can't be sure i'll be able to find somewhere like this in future...probabaly things would be different when you're a perm staff. life's gonna be different, tougher. entering university's gonna be a whole new experience...something i'd be quite apprehensive about. not knowing what to expect... not many close friends around, that's not very nice eh?

alright, time to snooze. what time will i wake up tmr? i'm craving for cartel's chicken salad. :)

__ 转成个圈
但不是那么的圆

- 再见林宇中

prestige is everything?

2008-05-01T21:18:00.006+08:00

is it not? I used to think it doesn’t really matter. But now, things happening around me seem to be proving me wrong, cuz people judge you for that. I guess in a sense, people do judge you from the background you came from, inevitably. Cuz I do that sometimes, sadly. It’s superficial world we’re living in anyway. But what is really making me think is prestige versus what you really want. I think many of us (people moving on from the A’s) are facing the exact situation here: prestige vs. what you really want. Many are choosing the former, and even I am torn between the two. The stuff you study in the so-called prestigious school may not be what you really want, or can do well in. Would you be better off doing something you really want? I think I might really be choosing something I really truly want, I don’t want to be in somewhere because of the prestige and then regret, thinking of the ‘if-onlys’. Though I believe mum would be quite disappointed, I’ll do myself justice by studying hard and proving to everyone that a prestigious background isn’t everything you need to succeed. But right now, I think I’m only 75% decided. :S and 2 May is just tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll decide after the trip on the 17th.

-

I realized that there’s a lot to learn from the people around me- good and bad. I know how difficult it is, sometimes, to see that you mean what you’d said. I mean, especially when emotions are involved. Maybe that’s why love IS blind. Balancing work, love, friends, and family is not easy, I think. In that order, you’d understand which is the group that’s left out most. Although I’ve never been in a relationship before, I believe I’m not one that needs to meet up everyday. I don’t think I’m that sticky and I think I don’t have the energy to meet up everyday. I mean, I don’t see the need to. I’m fine with just messages and phone calls. Yah, ‘you’d most probably say you won’t know it till you’re in one.’ Yarder. ‘You’d want to meet that person everyday if you two are really in love.’ Yes I don’t deny that, but I would think that love is not measured by how often you meet up. I mean, come on, don’t deny that sometimes you’re really quite tired but you just agree to meet up just to make him happy. Isn’t that a bit too tiring? I’d seriously tell him that I’m tired and we could meet up the next day or something. If he really cares, I think he should understand. Probably for the first few months or so, this could last. But in the long run, I think we do get tired and you’d start telling him that you’re tired and don’t-wanna-meet-up kinda thing. And I guess this is where the argument starts. About why is it that we don’t meet up that often and that you’ve changed. But seriously, it’s not that ‘you’ve changed’. Rather it’s what you’d have said in the past but you’d just refrained from doing so. So I hope I can just be myself right from the start and yeah, just be as comfortable as I can. I think this is what ensures a longer-lasting relationship cuz you don’t get burned out that fast.

My colleagues are a nice bunch of people to hang out with. And cuz they’re older, I guess I’ve a lot to learn from them. Especially because my EQ isn’t all that high. I want to be able to sense how others are feeling just by noticing their actions and words. One of my colleagues does that rather well and I find myself looking up to her. I think such people make good bosses too. It’s rather amazing too, that these people are so fun-loving and child-like at times that you forget that they’re at least a decade older than you. Ahh I think I’ll miss them when I leave, and this makes going back to school kinda sad. But you know, I don’t think I wanna do such brainless and suo sui stuff the whole of life. Thinking about school makes me sian... i think i'm still a bit undecided. :(

hohoman?

2008-04-28T00:41:00.001+08:00

now i know where hahaman came from. =p
(no, hahaman was my original composition lah!)

specially for ms majella woo wen hui. =p

2008-04-28T00:30:00.002+08:00

green subway cookie monster.

Life now

2008-04-26T23:02:00.003+08:00

is good at work. I really think I'm quite blessed to be in such good company. The people at work are so nice, I feel I'd known them for a long time. It feels like I've been there longer than 3 months, that's what my colleagues say too. haha! I hope that means that I've been of good use to them! Received a call today from one of them asking if I'd bought my track shoes, cuz she was at Queensway and she wanted to help me ask around there. Aw! So sweet of her lah! :D cuz I was kind of whining on friday that I'm sad cuz I couldn't get the colour I wanted.

Read Amanda's blog and realised how stressed up and unhappy she was at work. So it kind of made me feel happy and appreciative. (Not that I wasn't, but her posts just reminded me to.)

-

is making me run in circles. I'm getting giddy thinking so much. I think all my life, I didn't have much choices to choose from, my fate and aptitude kind of decided many things for me. You know, not good enough to hit the top and not that bad that I've to settle for the least. Then, I'd always admired the people who just have the luxury of choices. Now I finally have my go at making choices and I realise I really can't decide for nuts. It's getting frustrating now, after the novelty of it wears off. It's not fun anymore. :(

It's like imperfect information in economics; producers can't gauge the demand and so cannot produce at the optimal output, consumers do not have sufficient information about the different goods to make the best decision. That's exactly what I'm going through now, not know the expectations of employers so I can't make a wise choice. gahh! someone help me! i need to speak to people in banking/accountancy firms.

went to the hi-tea session at ntu today. hmmm... quite like the feel of it and the confidence the university gives me. yeah it may be a bit duller than that other one, but I'm just a plain Jane so I think I suit NTU. HAHA =P we shall see what the other one has to offer when I go down on 17 may. what I'm afraid is that future employers may not like plain Jane cuz she's too plain. =X zhiyu said something quite true today, about banks prefering SMU graduates. I really did think about branching into banking... investment banking to be specific. darn it, it's a superficial world out there. will plain Jane survive?

i am

2008-04-26T20:04:00.003+08:00

Confused
I know I’m not always right
I know I may be immature at times
But this time I know what I want
I just need a chance to make my own choice
Would you let me?

To you
I’m just like a child that needs a guiding hand
Have you ever thought that this child
Needs some letting-go?
I know you’re bothered by the distance
I know you’re more attracted to prestige

But somehow, I think substance is equally important
Can you stand in my place and take a good look?
Would you?
Not all N are ‘cha’
And not all S are good

--

Weird
I never thought this could last
I’d never dared to hope it will
Just a step at a time
Appreciating but not attaching

Afraid, that is
Of losing and
Of forgetting
If that’s the way thing’s gonna be
I’d rather not

You know I’m imperfect
I’m like a jigsaw with missing parts
And now I think you are one that fits
But since I can never be perfect
I think I can do without you

Just when I wanted to plant a full stop
You hit the pause
08:04:20
I’m don’t see where we’re heading
So I think I’d prefer a sole round one

64D

2008-04-20T23:04:00.002+08:00

i told him,"Sorry that i haven't been visiting you for the past two years.. cuz i was busy with examinations and all. but i know that shouldn't be a reason. i'm here today, with granny, aunt, mum and sis. brought nice vegetarian food for you today, and cheng tng. aunt said we should buy cheng tng for a change today, since we've always been buying drinks for you. :) i knew you'd understand.. cuz i've done rather well for the A's, i know you've been watching out for me. i didn't let you down, i didn't let daddy and mummy down too. i know you heard all that i've said all these years. i'm entering the university soon, i'll work hard to do well... get a good job so that i can take good care of granny, daddy and mummy, like sis did."

i think if you ask me what i'd do if i'd the chance to see him in person again, i think i'd hug him real tight. it's something i've never done before, even as a kid. at least i don't remember doing so.

saturday

2008-04-20T22:26:00.007+08:00

went to queenstown and IKEA! wanted to buy my sports shoe (finally!) and lunch at IKEA but both missions failed! boo... i am sad. some price confusion and i'm definitely not buying it at $195. o.O so gotta check out the shop in novena to see what the price really is. But then again, even if it's really priced at $179.. it's still a bit too steep isn't it? i think i should just go look for cheaper alternatives. :)

and the food court at IKEA was closed for renovation! so i couldn't eat the nice foodies there! HMPH ;( nan de i'm at queensway and it had to be closed. rahhs! craving not satisfied makes gay an angry girl. ;[

but luckily, the trip isn't such a waste cuz i bought other stuffs like the heart-shaped cushion at IKEA, YES THE ONE WITH HANDS! hahahaha cute eh! I LIKES! *grins :) bought slippers and a sweater too! was darn tired when i reached home yesterday... read a bit of my novel and yeah.. fell into deep deep sleep.

it's been a long long time.. cedar ave!

bears' escape! i mastermind-ed it.. hohoho! the poor bears were left behind in one of the baskets ;(

Subway is the second best choice... after IKEA :)

cushie cushie cushie! wooh~ i'm bringing it to office tomorrow!

Like a candle in the wind

2008-04-14T21:01:00.002+08:00

A few months back, this. A few days back, this again. Why is it happening again and again? First comes the sms that left me dumbfounded. Then it was the questioning of why.. why is it happening to someone who's been in my life before? Everything seems so surreal, like the feeling of asking yourself whether everything was true. Somehow you just keep asking, though the answer's really so obvious. But this time round, i didn't feel sad. i don't know if you consider what i felt as sadness.. i think it's more of numbness, the dull sense that comes with the cold truth laid in front of you. It's so inevitable, like you're not given the chance of saying,' No, i don't want it to be this way.' or just not knowing it.

Went for the wake which was at bukit timah. Funnily, we actually went to the wrong church. Doh! But luckily we didn't actually walk into the church and then realise we're at the wrong place. We realised when we were at bugis mrt. So in the end we decided to hop into clarissa's cab to get to the right church.

I couldn't recognise her, possibly because my memory's image of her is rather blur. But when i saw the photo, everything came back. And the four of us sat there, just talking about the past. It's just funny how it is always such events that bring long-lost friends or relatives together again. We laughed at the funny things we used to do in the past, how we used to laugh at her distinct way of wiping her forehead and then asking me if there's tissue on her face; how she'd always ask the girls sitting near the windows to 'open the windows' during her lessons; how she'd always lead us in prayers at the end of each supplementary class; and how she used to wipe her chalky fingers on the front girl's table and how that girl would be so disgusted. Those were the times... which can only be left as memories, nothing more. And Gillian reminded me that it was her who handed me as extra envelope after we'd received our PSLE results. That kinda slipped my mind, i didn't recall that till Gillian mentioned that. That was six years ago. Really, how time flies. I regret not going back to the school more often, at least, maybe i could have bumped into her and say hi. oh wells... that's just human right? We start regretting and treasuring things and people after we lose them, isn't it? And somehow we don't learn our lessons. Sometimes i think we're jsut too caught up with our own lives, our problems, our work... that we just forget those that in fact, matter the most.

The four of us actually agreed that we'd go back in july, or whenever the open house is held. I wonder if this promise would be kept, though i'd really try my best to see that it materialise. Maybe this would be the chance to start keeping in touch with my primary school friends again, after losing contact for such a long time. I believe it's fated, that it is such an event that brought us together again, though it should never have been as such. i'll take this as a sign then.

i've never forgotten you and i'll never forget you. and i'm sure the many students that you've taught and the mentorship that you've provided will stay in our hearts.

wo hen pa ;(

2008-04-08T22:16:00.002+08:00

i think i'm kinda freaking out because of the interview tomorrow. not that i want to get in so badly, but you know, you just don't want to screw up then. :( please don't ask me questions that i've no inkling about.. cuz i've been faithfully following the news for the past 2 weeks or so. hahaha! yeap trying to do some last minute catch up on current affairs.

i keep telling myself that i am confident of getting into ntu but after so long (since after results were out), i still can't stop worrying and thinking that i might not be able to make it into ntu, given the stiff competition. shucks! it's so frustrating lah.. everyone's telling me i'll be fine. i guess they're just trying to be nice and comforting. but who knows? seriously, who knows what'll happen in future?

argh! the thing is, i don't even feel like getting in there so why am i so bothered? perfectionism is acting again, this time quite against my will. ok i shall just take it easy and see what happens. take it easy. take it easy. take it easy.

random photos taken on different occasions

2008-04-06T21:35:00.015+08:00

random photos taken on different occasions!

sky on the morning of 27 march! are these stratus clouds? always thought they were, but a check in the net says it's altocumulus clouds. hmm..any geographers around?

funny happenings on msn ;p

my friend draws nice mr. stickmans online :)

poor froggies waiting to be eaten. :( saw them at koufu in pasir ris while having dinner with granny.

hazelnut frappe and oreo frappe...

...with a faceless friend.

i saw a mascot that day! but seriously, since when do mascots come out at 9pm at night?o.O it was darn funny lah!

to you as well :)

我们都该在心里数数感动得次数
'Look back at the happy times and countdown to happier ones.' :)

知足就是一种快乐 :)

2008-04-03T23:58:00.003+08:00

那天你和我那個山丘那樣的唱著那一年的歌
那樣的回憶那麼足夠

life's pretty good for me now. hope it can remain this way lah..but well, we all know it can't. it's not possible, so i really want to treasure the moments now.. got to keep reminding myself. i mean, i've said before that i quite enjoy working at my workplace, my status in the company seems to be doing me good..but only for now. i know i can't be a temp forever..that's not very good. and like what majella said, time seems easier to pass while working, at least my life more structured now and i feel like i'm passing each day with a purpose, and feeling happy that i've just made someone's (or some people's) lives(work) easier each day.

meeting up with friends once in a while is good too! just to chat and haha, laughing at each other can be quite entertaining too! ;p and having friends working in the same company, or the same area's real cool too! get surprises once in a while when you bump into them in the toilet or at traffic lights. ;D

anyway i think i've been quite distracted and not been disciplined to keep up with the news. :( brought newspaper cuttings to work but never really had the time to read them. rahhs.. interview's next week!! really hope it's gonna be free and easy.. which i don't think so lah. crap.. just hope i won't be tongue-tied! seriously..i think i'm never good at interviews anyway. can't think of one that i didn't screw up.

side track: can anyone tell me why you would ask for a person's address? it's kinda weird..haha! been thinking a bit about it..haha sending wedding invitation? i'd love to go! HAHA ok i think i need to sleep more to avoid such weird thoughts. but anyway, who knows? some people are just good at reading minds. ;p

it's friday! woo~ time passes real fast this week! swimming and running this weekends! :D

march babies!

2008-03-29T21:26:00.006+08:00

whoo! photos from the kbox birthday celebration! :D

birthday presents! cool 'vouchers' from congming that are reusable, since we've got to be good role models as geog students! and baby eeyore! so ke ai de! eeyore's tag says,' I'm looking for my owner...GAY!' HAHA i have amusing friends :)

lunch at changing appetites was quite nice! just found it quite -argh- that i couldnt pay for the meal again! hmph... was suppose to be a birthday treat from majella and me but oh wells, i think i was too slow lah. but then again, i think this will probably be the last time. don't want treats like this again..just makes me feel bad for days. :(

22 March 2008 :) with liangcha, strepsils and a pretty card with a 'C'.
at least i think it's pretty cuz i made it!

(Passing thought: not everthing is forever, isn't it? some things are meant to be good only for a short while, so we should just treasure the moments cuz we'll never know when it's gonna end.:) not meant to be emo lah... haha somehow it just came out like that ;p)

on the second last day of march, let's wish ourselves a very Happy Birthday!

don't count the years, just count the way...

2008-03-28T23:50:00.005+08:00

Don't worry about that extra line

That's creeping up upon your face

It's just a part of nature's way to say you've grown a little more

Trees have rings and thicker branches

Kids shoes get a little tighter

Every year we're getting closer to who we're gonna be

It's time to celebrate the story of how you've come to be

Happy Birthday, my friend

Here's to all the years we've shared together

All the fun we've had

You're such a blessing

Such a joy in my life

May the good Lord bless you

And may all your dreams come true

So light a candle on your cake

For every smile you've helped create

For every heart and every soul you've helped to grow

A few more pounds, a little more grey

Don't count the years, just count the way

It takes a little time to go from water into wine

Don't ever lose the wonder of that child within your eyes

Happy Birthday, my friend

Here's to all the years we've shared together

All the fun we've had

You're such a blessing

Such a joy in my life

May the good Lord bless you

And may all your dreams come true

Hope you've had a great birthday celebration today! :D Happy 27th Birthday, little miss shy!!;p

年轻无极限

2008-03-16T23:38:00.002+08:00

現在的我是否有些不同
努力工作也努力的犯錯
二十五歲的我學著大人應該有的動作
翻來覆去現實讓我退縮
夢想已經不夠想法漸漸成熟
下個腳步我懂怎麼做新鮮的念頭衝擊著我平衡快失控
張開手起飛讓年輕無極限
挑戰一切飛越更多空間才能體驗
不害怕改變不一定往前追
停住時間享受這一分鐘我深深的體會
這個世界規則有點難懂
曾經努力不一定有收穫未知的事太多

:D

post birthday + results

2008-03-16T20:59:00.003+08:00

wah! it's been a super long long long time! haha.. about half a month MIA already. ok at least i feel that it's been a looonng time. oh man! work is really getting to me. ;( seriously, so many things have happened during this short month or so... can't really remember everything. grah! that's the problem with not blogging regularly.

for one, work is really getting much better for me already. i'm even enjoying it sometimes, in the sense that i do actually look forward to going to work somedays... when i'm feeling happier. haha! you must really think i'm crazy. maybe it's because things start looking better when you get to know your colleagues more, and there's more random chats throughout the day, kinda make working hours seem shorter. most probably extending my contract till april/june too, though there was a period of uncertainty within me. anyway, i think fate has decided for me since PwC has no vacancies currently. well.. i guess happiness does matter more, isn't it?

then it was the anticipation of the results that all of us dreaded. i think it's really difficult to describe my feelings. from feeling dreadful, to being anxious, back to feeling dreadful, to being numb from all the worrying and nightmares... to the excitement plus hopelessness plus anxiety with a dull sense of inevitability that it's all coming back at me at one shot, on that piece of paper. it's like the effect of all i've done (or not done) coming back to haunt me after so long (to me, the wait seemed really long...). that was really how i felt the period before results. the fact that almost all my colleagues are asking how i'm feeling about results and my confidence level doesn't make me feel any better. it kinda creates an intangible pressure that i think is really not needed.

felt quite happy and relieved that the cohort did reasonably well, i think, according to ms leong. that could mean two things; either i did as well as the majority or i did terribly, falling into the minority band. throughout i was filled with a sense of euphoria within me while my facial expression remained tensed, or so i thought. but when i received my results, that moment was the weirdest! i didn't know how to react, seriously. i think i just said,' whoa...really didn't expect this...' and i think my pd tutor didn't know how to react. haha! i was screaming from inside but i think my face was really calm and maybe, blank. aiyoh, i think my feelings and my facial expressions really tak match one..haha! and all my emo plans were uh, abandoned for a moment. but seriously, i didn't know what to do with myself then. so i ended up sitting at the bus stop for some time... thinking and thinking, and sending lots of sms-es.

birthday celebration the previous day was great! singing at kbox was quite satisfying, after such a long time. received great presents too! one was something i wanted and another was something that was really special and sweet! thank you congming and woo~ HAHA it's been great! at least for that few hours, we didn't really have to think about the next day. photos coming up in the next post! (but uh... might be in a week's time, at least ;p)

it's been a while

2008-02-25T21:29:00.002+08:00

i think i've got myself lost in the working world. haha! but that's a good thing, in a way cuz time passes quicker than usual. work is quite mundane and the only times i look forward to in a working day are the mornings- where i get to chat a little while having breakfast, lunch- a time to rest my brains and maybe catch up with HDL, and of course, knock-off time! haha! it becomes quite a boring cycle after a while but life's better when you have nice colleagues around, well almost.

got quite pissed off today by a colleague of mine, but seriously i think i cant really blame her cuz because of genuine generation gap, the way we do things are almost quite different. sometimes i hope she'd put herself in my position and understand the state of mind i'm in. i'm only here for about 26 days, so you can imagine how familiar i am with the workings of the department here. i'm not asking for a lot, because all i need is more specific instructions and rationale behind the things you do. maybe it was also my fault cuz i should really spell out everything you want me to do back to you..in that way, i think less errors would be made. the thing is, the rationale only comes after i've done everything wrong. what a waste of time, effort and paper. :( omg... that was really a lesson learnt today. learnt how to keep a positive look despite me boiling within and almost bursting from within. if you'd understand... the feeling of being exasperated, like the why-didnt-you-tell-me-earlier feeling. uh huh.

went running today! which is really good cuz i think i really let off some steam and i felt much much better after! tomorrow's gonna be a great day! shall not be so huh again! :D:D:D

我曾进看见困难变得胆小，不够勇敢
但还是要相信
相信感觉相信简单

一点点你的微笑
已经让我觉得温暖
我还不懂坚持正好让我学会去爱

double shot rhapsody :)

2008-02-18T23:40:00.002+08:00

it feels great when people around you are nice to you. haha! that's kind of an understatement right? in a sense, it feels good to be with nice people. haha okay i can't really find the right words to say now.

first was lunch with majella, and coincidentally i bumped into my ex-colleagues from SAP. cool huh! having a lunch partner is nice! especially so when we dont get to lunch together everyday.. not that im bored having lunch with cindy! of course not!! i'd love to have a companion for lunch, cuz during work hours, im more or less alone. ;(

and today, i received an angpow from my colleague! surprise surprise!! really didn't expect this lah, especially when the company doesn't have a culture of doing so. quite paiseh actually, cuz like not that shou with her yet. her name's lydia, my supervisor in a sense. but then, i actually have four people that i'm helping, so yeah.. it's kinda complex. haha! and she offered me a cake, from the one that they were planning to give the birthday girl, lee choo. hurhur, probably because i helped them to take a photo. ;p i don't really know why, but these events kinda made my day.. made me feel happier! so much so that the day actually passes quicker than other days. i think it's not so much of the giving part that's making me happy, it's more of the interaction with people and the thought of someone sparing a thought for you that cheers me up. (although the stuff received does make an impact in a way, let's be honest lah ;p)

really hope this feeling of happiness can last me.. at least for a month or so longer. :) i know it's hard to go to work feeling happy so i guess i should treasure it. uh maybe you people can come lunch with me more often! haha.. before you all start working again! that'll really brighten up my day!

lunch-ing with congming tmr! wheee~

post new year

2008-02-15T23:40:00.003+08:00

it's been some time since i've the energy and time to blog. argh! the wonders of working life.. felt really drained at the end of the day everytime. that explains why i'm always not online for most of the nights in the week. but luckily, i still manage to squeeze some energy out of myself for the people around me. :D for family dinners and meet-ups with friends.

spring-visited majella's house on the 10th.. so last minute that i didn't even bring oranges ;S haiyo felt quite bad lah. and the fact that i was fed with a lot of new year goodies there, thanks to her very hospitable brother. i was rather overwhelmed. and uh, was quite amused by the visitors to majella's house that day..especially the two cute little ones especially! haha! nua-ed around for quite a while then went home, and realised dennis was here for dinner that day. felt quite bad that i was late, but sister didnt tell me beforehand though. :S oh and the toy that i left at swensens, aiyoh felt angry with my huh-ness, got to go try getting another one some day! ;)

chinese new year!

2008-02-08T20:39:00.000+08:00

it's CNY! the time to feast and collect angpows, haha which indirectly means the number on the weighing scale increasing together with the amount in your bank! correlation, you call it? and those girls in school would start worrying about the taking of height and weight when school reopens. hahaha! luckily i'm no longer under the scrutiny of the PE teachers. means i got to be more disciplined on my part to go running. ;p okay i shall go tomorrow evening! speaking of which, i'm still not sure if we could go back for x-country since we're not alumni members. hmph!

anyway, CNY celebrations are more or less the same every year. it's starts to get a bit bland and boring as we grow older, and it's just the gathering of family members and uh, some politics going around. to me, i think it's a time to see how much the people around me have grown, in every sense. it just shows the true colours of some people, how uncivilised and incorrigible some people have grown into. oh wells, it's new year afterall and there's really nothing much you can do about it other than try to prevent unhappiness from evolving.

on a brighter note, it's a nice time to play with the little ones. two newer members in the family since one or two years ago have grown so fast! now they're able to chase after you and uh, in a way, communicate with the few vocabs that they know. it's nice seeing some childlike innocence after so long, after talking and dealing with grown-ups who would judge the way you behave. and i'm truly amazed at how each child is born with a different set of values and character traits. even a two-year-old can display such high levels of intelligence, something which is unseen in another eight-year-old. i've come to realise that parenting is really tough and as a result, some resolutions have been made on my part.

ooh it's a sunday

2008-02-03T22:21:00.000+08:00

sundays never felt better and more 'looked-forward-to' than today's. waa... there's finally time for myself to do things that i want to do. i've started work on friday, right after the job stint at the SAP's exhibition cum IT fair. everything's happened too fast, to the extent that i felt i didnt have sufficient time to rest and recharge :( working at events is really tiring, and that's why i've decided not to do events anymore. hooh! starting to work at such short notice meant that i couldnt go kbox with cm before i start work, and of course the mental preparation and rest i needed. hai.. but then again, havent i always believed in grabbing the opportunity when it comes? guess i've done the right thing this time, though it's a bit tough at the start. oh wells, it's sooner or later kind of thing, and opportunities dont always come by.

met up with majella today! it's been so long! well, at least it seems long enough..haha! not counting the times she came to suntec to visit. ate lunch, coffee-beaned and shopped a little around J8. and i was right, my repulsion forces are working this time ;p haha! kinda nice to bum around with a smiley person today... actually i think it's more of sniggering and haha-ing person. probably too high on not having to work tomorrow or something, it's was quite infectious lah. though i dont think it was me who made her laugh so hard, it's nice seeing your companion happy. :) i was laughing at her, while she was laughing at i-dont-know-what. otah, maybe?? ;p

went to town to get working shoes after that. i think i must be mad... i bought two of them. uh cuz daddy was saying i should just get two for work and i could wear it out too. :S i think i'll have to control my spending on my stuff for the next few months. but i'll still be treating some of you, haha! somehow i think it feels better to spend on others than yourself. it's a different feeling, totally. :D

ahh tomorrow's another day... another two and a half days to go! haha..it's not that bad for a start actually. i shall reserve my complains when everything sets in. :)

busyy..i'm busy!!

2008-01-26T23:28:00.000+08:00

uh i'll probably be MIA-ing for the next three to four days because of work :( still aat suntec but the whole event is very different! this time there's well-dressed angmohs to look at.. keke! going to see lots of 'big heads' of companies. hah! quite exciting eh! visit me at level one information counter tomorrow, and at level six's on monday and tuesday if you're free! hahaha.. like who will lah! ;p okays gotta sleep already!

will be uploading the photos i took in AJ soon! the ones in cedar U! haha... stay tuned! :D

been busy these days...

2008-01-24T14:57:00.000+08:00

with work and being sick. hai... it's the second time this month that i'm down with sore throat, and this time, fever as well. :( wonder if it's detrimental to take two courses of antibiotics withing a month.. haha! but i think i don't have much of a choice cuz i've got to work this weekend again. this time, still at suntec convention centre but it's a corporate IT fair by SAP. the pay's quite good but sadly, i'm only working for 2 days. eight per hour plus 1.5x per hour after the first eight hours. cool! probably will earn over a hundred bucks in two days :) but seriously, i'm definitely more keen on office jobs cuz they're less challenging physically. heh!

been talking to people more nowadays, at work and at home. it's nice hearing events and thoughts from different people's point of view, about events that i've never been through. like the australian private plane that entered our airspace without an approved flight plan, it's different when you hear it from a person working in the SAF; how a person's job requires her to test bacteria in food and to taste airline food in a pressured room, it's a job that i've never thought of before.

the job stint at career expo introduced me to four people at very different stages of their lives, all of which i'll never be able to experience. eileen started working after her O Levels, being an air stewardess and now in the sales department at JobsDB; ayie's from Philippines, studied computer science and is now in the marketing department at JobsDB. they've taken a very different path from mine but are both doing well enough in their fields. kind of admire them, for their ability to get decent jobs although they're not university graduates. it's tough in singapore if you don't have a university certificate, i think, but these two individuals managed it rather well, in their own ways. it just made me realise that the world is so big with opportunities, there must be something for me, as long as i'm game enough to take up challenges even if it means to work from the very bottom. it made me feel less hopeless about my life after the A's or even University.

weiqiang graduated from nus after doing his diploma in SP; vincent's waiting to enter university after his NS. both have a rather clear goal in life, and are pretty determined to fulfil their dreams. quite impressed by weiqiang's courage to want to be an entrepreneur, and he's been reading a lot about many things, i think. i've never thought of entrepreneurship, not enough courage, not enough knowledge..haha! vincent's going into business in university, kind of envious of his strong will and decisiveness. till now, i'm still unable to make up my mind. ;(

actually it's been fun working at career expo because of the nice people i met there. but it's sad cuz just when we're getting to know more about one another, it's time to leave. a friend once told me that she tends to become too attached to places and people that don't last, and i agree totally with that. maybe i'm just too emotional, typical of pink hormones isn't it?

Career Expo Hall 403

Registration counter! and of course, hardworking staffs like me ;p

Behind the scenes: the lappie, and the passes that you need to enter the hall.

Nice people i met on the job! Eileen and Ayie, people i talk to everyday! :D

2008-01-23T15:08:00.000+08:00

there's more to life than dwelling on the problems we face, isn't it? i'll learn and try to be strong, in every sense of the word.

it's starting again

2008-01-22T23:32:00.000+08:00

certain things,when it doesn't happen for a while, you tend to forget it. you forget the stress, the pain, the fear, the agony of it all. it's part of human, isnt it? we just dont learn and rememer our lessons. it just gets you when you least expect it... now, tonight, it's back again. i don't know why we have to be put through all these shit, and it just seems so inevitable. i feel so helpless cuz there's really nothing i can do about it. tears used to take care of these things, but as i grow up, tears are just a temporary get-away. there's more to do apart from crying, after crying. i need to think... think think and think hard enough of how to react to situations, as a grown-up. i need to protect mum as much as i can... and i start to dread the nights that sister stays out late. it makes me feel lonely. and tonight, i finally realise what im dreading about the nights when im the only sane person in the house. it's not only about me... it's much bigger than this. but i feel helpless... i'm choking up and i can't stop, even as i'm typing this. i don't know how long can i take this. i'd always hoped that this would all end, but it just wouldn't.

the days

2008-01-15T23:45:00.000+08:00

today was stay-home day. woke up with an aching back, on the right side only, but that's bad enough. movement was so restricted, though i think i'm the one restricting it to avoid the pain. argh! i hate back aches... it's been a long time since i had it. grr... i hope the pain will be gone tomorrow, need to do better things than stay home and watch coffee prince on youtube. ;p

went for training for the career fair job yesterday. OMG waste of my time lah, they couldn't even have a proper presentation done. we were suppose to learn how to use their system and it ended up being a screwed presentation and there was no hands-on (although they promised one). four-hour training ended in two hours, but luckily we're still paid for four. :D

asked majella out of coffee on sunday afternoon, just to catch up cuz it's been some time since we met. original plan to meet at coffee bean switched to eating sesame and peanut paste at B1 cuz there were so many people at coffee bean. :( walked around and bought a top from G2000. decided to call kooey out too... heh since we thought she should be at home on a sunday afternoon. ended up loitering outside coffee bean cuz majella and i really wanted coffee, waiting for a three-seat table, kinda chased two aunties away in the process. ;( majella's sudden 'i see her!' gave me a shock.. haha! didnt understand it for the first three seconds. hah, we saw ms zhu sitting at macs with her friends. aiyoh with majella around... anything can happen. or rather, the same thing always happens. for a person who have never bumped into her, it's quite a nice surprise actually. :) talk about repelling forces o.O

gonna do something fun and exciting on thursday together with congming..haha! update when the time comes! hoho! friday's gonna be my first day at work, and dinner with two great people! hope there'll be photos to post. till then, tata!

you ran 10km! what is this??

2008-01-14T23:19:00.000+08:00

this is 3km. and i'm very tired. hahaha! that was my reply to my sister that day when we went running on the usual route. :( my stamina is gone fast. not as if it was fantastic anyway. haha.. just amazed at how i ran the 10km without training to that distance o.O i dont know if i mentioned this before, but those around me would know, that i'm really no runner quality. i've always struggled at 2.4km, and i'm always so inferior in that aspect. it's just so unfair that some people are just born runners, they dont really have to be consistent in training and they can still run fast enough.

then again, i see the parallel in the other aspects of my life - in studies especially. it seems like i have to try extra hard at almost everything i do to get at least a decent result. well i guess some people might just be born with it. the aptitude for studies, the high EQ... you name it. and then i remembered what someone said to me, or my class rather, that if she had to put in 10 hours of hardwork, as compared to others who only needed 5, to achieve what she wanted, she would. well, that statement struck a chord with me then, and even till now, because it is so me. sadly though, i havent really been living up to that.

Linger-ing in the rain

2008-01-09T00:29:00.000+08:00

it's a rainy night... been a long time since i'd the raindrops bringing me to lallaland. the weather nowadays, oh well.

went to watch Linger's preview today..free! haha! but sad to say, it's really bland... the storyline, everything. it's the first movie that i've no feelings after watching: no left-over laughing gases, no tear-stained cheeks... nothing. the ending was like 'oh, so the show ended'. luckily it was foc, if not i'd have killed myself. so to those who are intending to watch it, go if you've nothing better to do. ;p

today's afternoon had me all excited cuz i thought the chance had come, my banking job! but er... no. false alarm. so all i got was another consultant at raffles' recruit express. hello vivien!something good was that this time round, she's from the banking and finance department in RE so i guess the job offers would be something i'm looking for! well, at least i hope so! anyway, i've got the career fair's job to clear, and a pending job at orchard area.

dropped by wisma today since i was at raffles place earlier. aiyoh, talking about the mrt... i'm no longer on concession! SOBS terrible terrible shit! just when i'm in the mood to shop. okay actually i realised this a week before already. so frustrating! the trip down to raffles from bishan today costs me > $1 in mrt fare. and i'm so not used to hearing 'beep' instead of 'beep beep'.. i almost forgot to tap out when i was on a bus too! o.O feeling the pinch now when i'm travelling around, and it's gonna get worse when i start work.

i miss being a student! i miss being on concession! i miss going to school!

destitute

I'm so lazy, I'll just cite.

Affirmation, after a disappointment

突发奇想

记得

what goes around, comes around.

If I had been a little slower...

Chanced-upon

there's still sunshine after the rain ;)

Interesting Finds

A Realisation

That two-times-a-year thing

Polaroids are FUN!

As we go on...

Frolick Day!

It's part of growing up

Did I make the right decision?

Embrace the Unexpected; Finish Strong

思念 by Tanya :)

화이팅!

a pleasant spark in the days of blue

Cruel to be Kind

my calling... hello?

silence

shadow land

leaping home:)

US Trip #1

how i wished...

MARS

tell me what should i do?

Save the polars!

self test from roomie's blog:)

my roomie says i never update my blog...

祝我生日快乐！

Wednesday

i'm addicted to GeoChallenge! XD

Paparazzi News

update on random stuffs that cross my mind =P

stop the blame-game

senseless

terrible week soon to be over!

my favourite rabbit sweet!

Incredibly intelligent doggie!

people

只能坚强

never for this reason

i wish for a little more time and wit

hello NTU

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

Event @Bottle Tree Park - 18 July 2008

questionnaire :)

放弃? 放下?

at Bottle Tree Park

splash

first failed attempt

'when it's late at night and you're all alone..'

i'm sorry, old man! :(

领悟

Courage is

Appreciate everything but get attached to nothing...

work's ending... sooooon

aches and pain everywhere

i'm a seashell

friend, acquaintance or...

Cows are cute. Laugh at them! :D

hi...i'm from NTU.

虽然我愿意

prestige is everything?

hohoman?

specially for ms majella woo wen hui. =p

Life now

i am

64D

saturday

Like a candle in the wind

wo hen pa ;(

random photos taken on different occasions

知足 就是一种快乐 :)

知足就是一种快乐 :)