my calling... hello?

‘大家都在努力，不要说谁做得好、谁做得不好。
但重要的是，你要知道你为了什么而奋斗。
当艺人风光吗？当然。
能赚钱吗？新水确实不错。
但你要为了这些东西而做吗？我觉得最好的方法是找到你真正要做的东西。。。’

how aptly put... this was what i read in myPaper today. this was what Yanzi said in an interview about her view of her job, her life and how she's been during this break; and this paragraph gave me an impression of deja vou. it was what i felt inside me, but somehow it made me feel ashamed of having such thoughts. my friends told me to 'just go for it if that's what you really want' but again, doing it is far from just saying or thinking it. it takes a lot more courage than you would think. i was afraid.

perhaps that was what i said in my previous entry, that many times, we all need to face things alone and make decisions on your own. but have you realised that though you need to make a decision with your own sense and brain, the impact of your decision goes far beyond? there are responsibilities (and more and more of them) as you grow older. you need to be accountable for your actions because you have responsibilities, maybe not immediately but in the near future. Accountable here means that you have to 'answer for'; you need to answer to your parents, your families, and most importantly, yourself and your future.

however, when i want to say something or when i am ready to say it, circumstances go beyond me. i need to tell her, because i need to be accountable. because she's paying for it. i don't know why i'm experiencing this, having to muster enough courage to say it out. it's as if i'd done somthing wrong, but i didn't. how wrong can you be when all you wanted was to pursue something you want? i keep telling myself it's alright... she should understand. but somehow within me, i am afraid... afraid to tell. maybe i wasn't even sure of this myself? maybe i just wanted to run away.