steam-release pill

twenty six years of your life... has it ever crossed your puny brain that it is time you repay them for all their time, love and money that they've spent on you for the whole of your life? i don't understand how a person can be like you, if i can consider you a person at all.

perhaps all i ask of you is to get a job and stop being such a pain and burden to all of us, that's all. anyway, i don't foresee you paying for my education nor giving them any monthly allowance. i don't think anyone expects anything from you, apart from staying on the right track, keeping yourself out of trouble and maybe, be financially independent one day. my heart winces everytime i hear you asking her if she could spare you some money. i despise and hate you for that; for being such a wimp, for being so useless, for not knowing how to reciprocate. i hate the fact that i'm stuck with you for life, by order of the being above.

i don't want to recall the many times you brought trauma to us but unfortunately, i remember every evil you did. you never stood by us, so i'm not the least sorry that i never treated you as part of us. i've always envied my friends who have elder brothers who fetch them after school, fix the computer and take care of them when the parents are away. but at eighteen, i think i've grown accustomed to fending for myself and having only an elder sister by my side. i think she too, have grown used to caring for the family. she's always the one fixing the bulbs when dad is overseas, fixing the lappie and the computer (even though you were the one who crashed it); and i'm always the one finishing up the leftovers at mealtimes (that explains why my diet plans have never worked) and the one who's always carrying the heavy ntuc plastic bags whenever i have to buy the groceries when the maid's gone home. i think, we have grown to be each other's 'big brother'.

thanks to you, i had to grow up much earlier than others. i needed a sensible mind to help out when the maid is gone, to think of viable ways to make sure you kept to your routine because basically you have no sense of self-discipline. we've helped you in every way we could and i've stopped doing so since a long time ago because i see no point in doing so. maybe they are still holding on, hoping that someday, you'll see the light. what have you done, being eight years older and a male, what have you done for us? i think i'm having trouble thinking of a positive act by you. i used to fear and be very oppressed but i guess i've grown used to such feelings, now that i'm stronger and more mature. i don't know if i'm affected by you in any way, cuz sister and i have proved ourselves that we are capable to achieving what we want. she's made it through university and now, a reasonable job. i've made it past the A's and hoping to get into the university. no matter what happens, i'll be sure to get myself through with a stable job, with allowance for granny, dad and mom. i'll not be like you, i promised myself since i was able to think on my own.

maybe i'd have been a more carefree girl, though i guess i've changed much from an introverted and quiet girl i used to be a few years ago. i'm still not the kind of person who is very expressive and i can't bring myself to be so cheery everytime though i do try. i might have jaded myself since young, to ignore the nonsense from you because i've come to know that i think and as a result respond more intelligently when i'm calm, especially to you.

you'd never understand how you spoil every event i'm at with your presence. i can't help but watch your actions with contempt and disgust, every time thinking when i'd be free from you. i've never confided in anyone, anyway i don't know how to. it's such a long story that i think no one would comprehend so i might as well keep it to myself and my sister. we'd often say how everyone would advise us with the same sentence, which i think, would be mission impossible for both of us, at least.

perhaps that's the reason why i enjoy 'lone-sport': reading takes me into another world, probably a happier one since i'd always choose books that will (hopefully) make me laugh; running takes my mind off everything cuz i'll just be telling myself to keep going.












i'll have to keep going
for you
for myself