friend, acquaintance or...

no, i don't remember getting myself into such a situation. i used to think that if this is definitely not possible and so, what's the point of starting? it's a funny thing, relationships are. there is no definite definition of your relationship with someone. a noun alone doesn't say it all. certain relationships forbid you to act in a certain manner, such that missing someone doesn't give you the light to meet up. it's funny to do it so often, because of the status quo, and maybe also the fact that awkward silence may surface too often in that period of time. it really depends on the status of each individual in that relationship.

i'm always in a dilemma. i think i know what i want...but it doesn't necessarily mean that i will get that and whether getting it is good or bad, it really depends. if you know you're gonna be away for a long period, and you have someone whose company you really treasure. would you want to meet up more often before going away? or would you just let it go, not meet up and let your feelings fade with time? the latter seems like a typical drama sequel. i mean, if things are unsustainable... why try to stuff yourself deeper into the s___ and then make it even harder to get out of eventually? 'time detaches you well from people too. time eats up your emotions! it's good too. BUT aiyah sad too (in a way)'. that's such a good reflection of putting my (weird) thinking into words. i think i might be a little sadistic. maybe it's just that i believe in 长痛不如短痛. maybe i'm too rational...in a sense. i think it makes me not pursue things i like or want, which i believe (and it most probably is) will not last or have the intended outcome i want. maybe i think too much. yeah...i think that's my problem. seriously i can't help it. my brain just branches out naturally to think of all factors and the effect of my decisions. thus i worry a lot. i'm a worrywart, i admit. sometimes i feel lucky that i'm not a guy... like that how to court girls?! think so much and finally when you want to take action, she's most probably taken away. ah, weird analogy. i think my friend thinks of better analogies.

'i think im too impulsive... i'll just do whatever i feel like doing. like.. FOOD. i feel like eating chocolates. i can just eat and eat and eat until i don't feel like eating. you won't cuz you know it's heaty. but i don't bother??!! haha i just do whatever i feel like doing! childish.' that's part of an email correspondence with a friend at work. well, i don't know...it sound pretty true. i mean, it's TOTALLY what i wanted to say put in a nice analogy. yes i will not eat heaty stuff no matter how nice they are, because i will fall sick after that? haha oh man. i don't think that's being childish...it's normal. i think adults do that too! it's just a different set of neuro we have, isn't it? that's what really makes a person different from another. that's why we have personality tests. sometimes i wish i could be like that. it's the 不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有 kinda thing. ( i don't know why i can only think of chinese translation of what i want to say. well i guess it paints quite a good picture of what i am trying to say.) a person like me would find it difficult to do things as and when i feel like it. but sometimes, the ability to do just that can be comforting and it probably provides a sense of relief to people like me. or maybe it will only be so if the results are not disastrous. =P i mean, who doesn't wish that we could just do what we wish without thinking about the effects of our aciton? it's definitely less stressful that way.

looking back at the email correspondences today, i noticed something really wrong with myself. i'm saying thing in opposition to what my heart and brain think. and my friend is saying exactly what i wish i could do. sigh... why am i so rebellious? the conclusion that i made out of this is that i'm not doing what i really want because i know it will not end well. but why can't i just do it, and yeah enjoy and live for the moment. the same scenario happened when i was choosing the universities. in my heart, i'm battling with myself because i'm thinking of all the good of smu and when i talk to others, i say that smu is good because of this, this and that. but when my mum tries to persuade me to accept smu's offer, i tell her all the negative stuff that i dislike about smu, portraying an image that i really don't want smu. i'm such an a__ i realise. how annoying a person i am. =X