rhapsody deceit?

wells..im feeling so mixed up nowadays.been thinking of my life in Cedar as well as in guides..hahas.
i guess i must have been pretty lucky,fortunate and come to think of it, it's been quite smooth-sailing.so what 's there to complain?

actually in sec 1 and 2, im always the quiet one, though quite enthu, or should i say i've always been the 'follower'.Therefore i've never been given any chance to be a leader in any way. It must have been rather sad though, i have always thought 'are they biased or im not showing my potential enough?' Sadly, i think and i believe it is due to both the factors (after being in cedar guides for so many years, i have observed.)

wells what my sis said was really true. She told me that if i dont show what i have within me, nothing will really happen.that is if u are hoping that sth will happen; like getting a leadership position or to be promoted. That was really sth converse to what i had always thought. i had thought that it's ok if i dont get any position now, at least i emerge a better person than i was, after what i have seen from the other pt of view relative to the leaders'. i thought, " That was enough." But apparently that wasn't what i wanted.

i found myself fantasizing about being a leader; and most of all i wanted to be the assistant company leader. That, was my dream. Yet, i was far from it. Real far. how sad.i admit, i fumbled my way thru being a commander for NDP parade in school. i thought it was my fault that i was fumbling-it was because i dont not strive to achieve what i wanted when i was in lower sec, and that led to me fumbling when given a leadership position. But luckily i learnt a LOT. Because no one cared about my squad, not to mention me. The sec 4s just left me helpless with a 24-member squad,24 different characters,24 different attitudes,24 totally different people.And to add to it, they are my peers. Any idea how difficult it was to handle your peers when u are sort of a 'higher authority' than them? I swear I'd rather handle juniors-at least they dont really notice when u say sth awkward or shallow. (u know..juniors are blur. '____')
And yes, i admit im nuts in PR. But i forced myself to cope, to think thrice before i spoke,planning a few days ahead before i spoke to the squad. Yes..i was nervous wreck.{dont laugh}.

But really i appreciated this training-nerve wrecking but fulfilling. I guess it was because of this that i really secured the position as the assistant company leader.YES! i could never believe it at first..though i was really exhilerated.ACL!!woohoo!it would never have been..even in my wildest dreams.hahahahaha..so cliche-y.'___'

oHH wells... it's been the whole year..well almost. And in about 3 weeks time, we're stepping down already. wells, does this call for a celebration? yepps i guess..coz i (or we) can finally wash our hands off the sec 3s.< LIKE FINALLY> sigh i guess they are another mind-boggling batch, good luck to them mans. Yet those glorious days of being ACL will be gone..and of course the days where i get to take them for fOOtdrills.haha..exciting i would say.-laughs-

But well all good things come to an end~ andd it's time to muggg for Os..yet im not doing it.HOW SAD! im just deluding myself i guess..HEY!wake up sia! okaes i guess that's all.muahaha..im going kbox tmr.sing to support the ji rou wei suo zheng ppl.they're real poor things okae.yep.hopefully we'll be able to help them.yepps..bye!