Fate

One in twenty thousand... do you know what's the probability like? Plus the chance of such an event happening to someone you know, how do you calculate that? Probabilties that are indeterminate can only be attributed to fate. Fate is such a funny thing; some people have fate to thank for finding their soul partner, others blame fate for taking their loved ones away.

I admit im not good at dealing with issues related to death. And yet i have to be put through such emotional turmoil thrice in the past 18 years of my life. The first was probably the demise of my grandfather about 10 years ago. Maybe i was too young at that time, i couldn't remember how i really felt. I only remembered crying at the funeral though i didnt really understand what death meant. i only knew that my grandfather had passed away and i'd never be able to see him again. But as the years went by, each of such occurrences set me thinking a lot. i kept asking why, why do such things happen? Why did it happen to someone i know?Why did things have to happen in such a way that God has to take away people i treasure? Very often, i'm in a state of disbelief. i chose to think that maybe this was not true, maybe someone made a mistake somewhere, maybe it was just a dream, maybe i'd wake up and realise that it was just a dream... though deep inside my mind, i knew this was true and all i need was some time to allow the truth to sink in.

Days after the 18th are terrible times for many cedarians and staffs, and of course the most devastating period for the family. No one expected this to happen, it's all too sudden. And the irony of it all: a life for another life. But like ms leong said, we've got to accept it and move on with life. It's hard to imagine life in future for them, a life without a loving wife, a mother, a daughter. Life'll never be the same again. It'll definitely take much time and patience to accept the truth and for getting used to. It'll be tough, definitely. Especially for the little one, who'll learn to understand that his mother had made the sacrifice for him. So dear ethan, please do your mother proud.

Sigh..this is such an emo entry, not well written at all. somehow i cant find the right words to say.. the feeling is terrible.

terrible friday

ms leong told us about it today.. after morning assembly. i received the news yesterday and i thought i wouldnt cry. she didnt teach me though i've seen her around, so i thought i wouldnt be so affected. throughout the 15min or so, i just stared at ms leong while my mind tried to process and piece together what actually happened. tears welled up evey now and then, but i managed to fight them back. but when i was out of the LT, i don' t know why but my tears just flowed. affected huhdelian too (im so sorry!). both of us remained calm throughout the session but my rebellious tear duct just gave everything away.

sigh.. i think im too emotional and i cry too easily. and i hate to cry in public, coz my nose and eyes would turn so red and puffy. and pm just had to probe further and make us tear all over again. POS. i just dont understand how and why some people just have to be so cynical about everything, including death. it's natural for people to feel sad and cry about things like this. why can't some people be more sensitive to what others are feeling? sister says some people are just born to lack this gene of being able to empathize. there's just something lacking in the genetic code in their bodies i guess. i was so pissed and upset about the way pm handled the situation. but i think i was so emotionally occupied to think of standing up and just walking off. i would, really, if i wasnt that preoccupied. but then again, it'd leave huhdelian in a difficult position. ahh whatever. it's just my luck to have that lesson early in the morning, after such an episode.