never for this reason

i've never felt so helpless before, when it comes to studies. never the high-flyer but you know, just hanging in there. it's just 4 weeks into term and here i am, trying desperately to figure out my stuffs. sometimes i do wonder if i've made the right decision by choosing this course. why did i do this, i really don't know at times. for prestige? for others or for myself? sometimes i feel so tired... tired of doing things because they're right, because it's good for me, because it's practical, because of others' expectations of me... just because i'm academically qualified. does that alone equate to myself being qualified, wholesomely?

now i really understand the importance of choosing a course which sits on interest. now i know, but am i doing things right? it's all too late to come to a realisation, isn't it? i've got 3 more years to go. it just seems so long, especially when i'm only 4 weeks into term. i've 9 more to go. someone help me.. or rather, please help myself.

let it just be for tonight. and i hope my eyes will be normal tmr.

i wish for a little more time and wit

life is crazy in ntu... and in accountancy. whoever told me accountancy is quite relax and that it's possible to aim for As and nothing less than a B ought to be shot. i'm not even thinking about exams, i'm just struggling very terribly to finish my assignments now. the financial management stuffs are so bloody difficult i'm totally lost for words. and it's just so frustrating when you can't even complete the assignment and people are like presenting answers that show that they actually understand the concepts super well. i feel so demoralised...so lost and so helpless. i admit i should not have lagged from the very beginning but the fact that i've not much people to turn to when i have questions or problems totally worsened the situation i'm in now. kinda fated that i'm actually taking the more difficult set of modules compared to the other group. financial management and IT are like totally out of the world to me... wished i'd read more about financial stuff over the past few months. why do i always regret the stuff i should have done, especially when i did know that i should be reading up in the past few months but i didnt?

i really think i lack discipline. someone should just slap me lah, this is getting so frustrating. i need to learn to motivate discipline myself...somehow. i really can't go on like this or i'll really be flunking the exams. :( i don't know if staying in hall is a good idea. although i'm not too involved in hall activities... somehow i feel i'm less able to study in hall. but then taking into account the travelling time, i think hall might just be better. sigh i think it's just me. i need to wake up. things are going to get worse when CCA starts.

hello NTU

no exclamation marks, no full-stop, no smiley, no saddie. my mood is just like that recently after camp, like a ball rolling downhill, i'm just pulled along by my commitments in school. neither am i all for it nor against it... just part of my duty as a nineteen-year-old in university. really hope i'll be able to pull out of this jaded feeling soon... maybe when hall life starts getting more exciting and when CCA starts and i get to know more (nice) people.

haven't been consistent in blogging cuz i was tied up in school - camps followed by welcome day and lectures this week. i've been staying in hall quite a bit and being laptop-less means i can't go online even to check mails when i want to. i want a lappie sooooon! OMG my only entertainment is the (old, n-year-old) radio. but seriously, nowadays song on FM93.3 are getting a teeny bit not to my liking...tending to switch to FM88.3 instead. sigh... even with this minimal amount of distraction, i'm not even reading up on my notes. that's sad (and really bad).

anyway, camp from the 28th july to 2nd august was quite fun! got to meet a lot of people...to the extent that i can't even remember all of their names, and these people are the seniors. =X so it's not so bad eh. :) did a lot of stupid, throw-face, fun, dangerous stuffs during the camp. lots of cheering till i went a bit hoarse...and then i had to sing on the last night. haha! that wasn't very nice! =X games were ok, but quite a lot of body contacts with the males especially the pool games. but seriously, i think the pool games were the best! captain's ball and diving...wooh! diving was really an experience man! and it's something i never want to engage in for long term, and i don't think i'd ever wanna try it again. the water-gushing-into-the-nose feeling sucks to the max, and i was wearing contacts that day. haha! oh and on the third day (i think), we 'ran' from boon lay all the way to pasir ris. not literally... cuz we did take some trains along the way. but i think the distance we covered is definitely not less than 7km. and my old nike sports shoe had to choose that day to disintegrate. the front sole was flapping and the left heel area was totally ripped off, so i was like walking on an inverted high-heel if you get the idea. terrible shit! and that was only half the journey covered - we were only at bugis. our final destination was aloha loyang. beach games there were fun!! thought the sun was quite terrible so i praise myself for deciding to wear a short-sleeved top. :D finale night was totally... (i'm speechless). caked in flour mixed with water and gooey black stuff that was put on my arms. looked really like a total wreck after that, and that was 6am in the morning when it all ended. spent half the night waiting around but luckily had campbell soup and dessert fed to me at intervals. must really say that the seniors are very 'welfare' apart from the tekan shit they made us do. another half the night was doing stupid things like shouting 'xx is a bapok!!!!' or 'xxx i love you!!!!' damn stupid cuz we had to scream whatever they told us to when they press a button on our face. (yes we're blind-folded and had masking tape taped over our eyes and stuff drawn on it).

this week was lecture week. luckily no tutorials (cuz those were our first lectures). i thought the worst was the financial management seminar, i was totally lost as to what the heck the prof was saying about the interest rates being compounded semi-annually and some other concepts that i can't even name now. freaked out by classmates who seem to know everything or at least something. i think i'm demoralised. better start reading up my text tomorrow. -pulls hair- -stamps feet-

okay i'll go to sleep now. tata! :D