拥有了再失去会比从来都没有拥有过来得痛苦。
记忆是一个行囊，陪伴着我到世界流浪。
我把悲伤都装上翅膀，
再见了 就不能倔强
该忘了你对不对， 怕自己无法面对。
无怨无悔，把一切留给纪念，
渐渐就习惯不再想， 忘记曾经最痛的地方。
该忘了你对不对， 我应该坚强面对，学会遗忘。
记忆会为我收藏那些美丽时光，为你付出过的力量。
带着我去寻找幸福的希望。


- 陈宏宇，周蕙

work's ending... sooooon

hmmm don't know to be happy or sad. of course i think i'd definitely miss my bunch of great colleagues there...more of friends than colleagues i must say. those that i've been spending lunch time with, i really appreciate their company. with them around, lunch would definitely be full of laughter, teasing and what-nots. i think their presence in my working stint has made working life better... much much better. when i'm bored, i can go ka-chau them or go kop some crackers to eat. when i'm feeling frustrated, i can always go to her to su ku. i think these people have really been understanding and patient with my blurness (i think they enjoyed laughing at me more than anything), my inexperience and the mistakes i've made. learnt quite a bit from them too! i think i can communicate better with different kinds of people, and meeting candidates who come for interview has made me more alert and articulate. although my PR skills aren't fantastic, i must say i've definitely become quicker in thinking and saying the right things (almost). i think i've gotten quite comfortable with this bunch of people plus the thought of school-reopening not being able to entice me, i kind of hope that work's not ending so soon. but then again, i want to get out of some chores that i have to do at work. those that involves a person nagging and pushing every little chore to me, acting as if she's afraid that i'd not finish her work and being very anal about every other thing kinda put me off. oh yes, i have thus learnt the skill of tolerance which will definitely be useful in future, i would think.

had the first farewell lunch today with SVP, VP and the FM department. it was at Yummy Seoul at square 2, the food's not too bad though the choices were quite limited. chatted a little but didn't have the courage to ask SVP about his wife being a partner at one of the Big 4s. quite curious but hmm... no courage and not too right a time? haha just excuses lah... shoot me please. =X i hope i'll get to ask him within next week, if the situation would allow. :)

oh! i bumped into wayne today! haha quite a coincidence...yes the thing about being in the vicinity with that person at the same time = fate. ( haha fate..i believe a lot in it.) was kinda late this morning but i insisted on buying breakfast for my not-very-full tummy since last night. went to BK the first time round and realise the queue is pretty long so i decided to try OCK but that was even worse, twice as long. decided to head back to BK to get some food and just when i was leaving BK , i heard someone calling my name! looked around at one glace without spotting any familiar faces, just one army guy in the midst of the crowd. actually didn't bother about that guy and when i looked closely, oooh it's wayne! hahaha man! he looked so different... in a good way i mean. :) skinnier or should i say fitter? haha definitely better than the previous lazy-and-nua wayne in AJ. sigh... was just conversing with a friend through email at work today and told her about this, and she was mentioning how guys that have gone into army looked so much better now (well, most). good for them! but we were saying how we wish we could cut our weight like they do, and i was just saying the price to pay is all the terrible things they have to go through. oh well, i think i shall just stick to my current relatively active lifestyle. :) anyway, wayne was going for physiotheraphy this morning...hope he's fine and that his injury wasn't all that bad. cuz i know the feeling of going through such therapies...boring, torturous, painful and expensive. heh... hope to bump into more classmates soon! (maybe i should organise a class outing????? i'm just wondering how many would actually agree and turn up.)

aches and pain everywhere

went climbing at climb asia yesterday... quite an accomplishment i must say! climb 4 different walls, compared to the previous times' 3. but seriously i think i almost died on the 4th one... grip was like 10-20% left. didn't manage to chalk well too...but continued climbing anyway, with semi-sweaty palms. GAH managed some smearing though my toes hurt real bad. :( but i guess it did help quite a bit with my advancement cuz my hands were uh..quite useless by then. overall i guess it was good attempt that day mostly because of the companionship i had. 3 of CL's friends were there and 2 of them could belay. so CL got to climb more and i had sufficient chances to as well. hmm wonder if i could join this group of climbing pals next time too. :)

went running the next day cuz i thought i wasn't exactly hurting that much in the arms. but i guess i was quite wrong as my arms felt funny after 3km, think i held them too long in the same position when i was running. quite terrible...that feeling. felt damn shacked after the run... not to mention the next day at work. every arm and back muscle ached and my left calf's muscle was kind of over-strained. :( still had to do filing and carry some 'heavy' stuffs. 'heavy' cuz my arms do not possess my usual strength. =X

ahh i want to climb again after my pain goes away. but i really don't feel like running anymore... it's becoming more of a chore than an enjoyable thing. how sad! maybe i won't sign up for stanchart this year. =X

i'm a seashell

‘有一种想见不敢见的伤痛
让我的思念越来越浓’
-
‘以前我不懂得 未必明天就有以后
想念是会呼吸的痛
它活在我身上所有角落
哼你爱得歌会痛 看你的信会痛
连沉默也痛
遗憾是会呼吸的痛
它流在血液中来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛
恨不懂你会痛
想见不能见会痛’

friend, acquaintance or...

no, i don't remember getting myself into such a situation. i used to think that if this is definitely not possible and so, what's the point of starting? it's a funny thing, relationships are. there is no definite definition of your relationship with someone. a noun alone doesn't say it all. certain relationships forbid you to act in a certain manner, such that missing someone doesn't give you the light to meet up. it's funny to do it so often, because of the status quo, and maybe also the fact that awkward silence may surface too often in that period of time. it really depends on the status of each individual in that relationship.

i'm always in a dilemma. i think i know what i want...but it doesn't necessarily mean that i will get that and whether getting it is good or bad, it really depends. if you know you're gonna be away for a long period, and you have someone whose company you really treasure. would you want to meet up more often before going away? or would you just let it go, not meet up and let your feelings fade with time? the latter seems like a typical drama sequel. i mean, if things are unsustainable... why try to stuff yourself deeper into the s___ and then make it even harder to get out of eventually? 'time detaches you well from people too. time eats up your emotions! it's good too. BUT aiyah sad too (in a way)'. that's such a good reflection of putting my (weird) thinking into words. i think i might be a little sadistic. maybe it's just that i believe in 长痛不如短痛. maybe i'm too rational...in a sense. i think it makes me not pursue things i like or want, which i believe (and it most probably is) will not last or have the intended outcome i want. maybe i think too much. yeah...i think that's my problem. seriously i can't help it. my brain just branches out naturally to think of all factors and the effect of my decisions. thus i worry a lot. i'm a worrywart, i admit. sometimes i feel lucky that i'm not a guy... like that how to court girls?! think so much and finally when you want to take action, she's most probably taken away. ah, weird analogy. i think my friend thinks of better analogies.

'i think im too impulsive... i'll just do whatever i feel like doing. like.. FOOD. i feel like eating chocolates. i can just eat and eat and eat until i don't feel like eating. you won't cuz you know it's heaty. but i don't bother??!! haha i just do whatever i feel like doing! childish.' that's part of an email correspondence with a friend at work. well, i don't know...it sound pretty true. i mean, it's TOTALLY what i wanted to say put in a nice analogy. yes i will not eat heaty stuff no matter how nice they are, because i will fall sick after that? haha oh man. i don't think that's being childish...it's normal. i think adults do that too! it's just a different set of neuro we have, isn't it? that's what really makes a person different from another. that's why we have personality tests. sometimes i wish i could be like that. it's the 不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有 kinda thing. ( i don't know why i can only think of chinese translation of what i want to say. well i guess it paints quite a good picture of what i am trying to say.) a person like me would find it difficult to do things as and when i feel like it. but sometimes, the ability to do just that can be comforting and it probably provides a sense of relief to people like me. or maybe it will only be so if the results are not disastrous. =P i mean, who doesn't wish that we could just do what we wish without thinking about the effects of our aciton? it's definitely less stressful that way.

looking back at the email correspondences today, i noticed something really wrong with myself. i'm saying thing in opposition to what my heart and brain think. and my friend is saying exactly what i wish i could do. sigh... why am i so rebellious? the conclusion that i made out of this is that i'm not doing what i really want because i know it will not end well. but why can't i just do it, and yeah enjoy and live for the moment. the same scenario happened when i was choosing the universities. in my heart, i'm battling with myself because i'm thinking of all the good of smu and when i talk to others, i say that smu is good because of this, this and that. but when my mum tries to persuade me to accept smu's offer, i tell her all the negative stuff that i dislike about smu, portraying an image that i really don't want smu. i'm such an a__ i realise. how annoying a person i am. =X

Cows are cute. Laugh at them! :D

I really like surprises like this once in a while. Surprises make me happy! i'm gay today! HAHAHA =P

hi...i'm from NTU.

Doesn’t sound as good as saying, “hi, I’m from SMU.” Somehow... I get this feeling. It’s just the prestige thing, isn’t it? Did I want to get into SMU, just because it’s more prestigious, as it sounds? I do admit that it is also the exposure that it provides especially the multiple internships I can get out of it, as well as the nice profs and staffs there. But there’s still that feeling, the feel that SMU is better than NTU. I think it’s something subconscious but at the same time, it feels real. Quite surprisingly, I was actually having some kind of ‘withdrawal symptom’ last night, the few hours before the closing of the acceptance period.

The ‘good’ of SMU just kept flooding my brain, but luckily the ‘bad’ of NTU didn’t surface. Actually I can’t think of anything bad about NTU except that it is darn far and the graduates may not be that eloquent. Not that I’m very affected by that. I think I’m just being anal…I kept thinking ‘okay, I’m actually giving up a place in SMU. SMU... It’s SMU!’ And there’s what my mum said, “If people hear of you rejecting SMU because of NTU, when you’re actually given a place, they’ll just think you’re stupid.” Sometimes I wonder if I’d made that decision to spite her, but seriously and confidently, I know I’m not so foolish to ruin my future by making such an immature decision out of spite. Despite that, I can’t help but feel slightly inferior and a teeny bit of confidence drain when I think of the competition with the other graduates. But then again, I seriously doubt my ability to adapt to SMU’s ‘rah-rah’ and very-english culture. I know it’s beneficial to be very proficient in English but I think I will not be as happy as I’d be in NTU. At that point in time, I really felt someone should just slap me and ask me to wake up my bloody idea. I don’t even know why I’m worrying, or if I’m worrying for the right reason. As I’ve mentioned in my previous posts, I know I should be contented given the choices I have, but I’m not. Definitely not. I think this is one of the few rare times that I find that I can’t control myself…can’t stop myself from being so ‘disgustingly’ insatiable. It’s like, isn’t NTU good enough? Why am I asking for more? As it seems, that SMU was the ‘more’ I was craving for.

And I drifted off to sleep sometime around here…the thought then was a positive one, I think. Cuz I woke up thinking that I’ll make myself excel anywhere, as long as I maintain focus and work real hard. As I’ve always believed, what’s most important is not the abundance of opportunities, it’s whether you grab them and make the most of it. I think I’m one who needs the company of close friends, for play or for study. Therefore I should just stand by my decision, which was actually my initial want. Maybe first impressions are meant to be right…I do hope so.

Anyway, it’s June the third today…

虽然我愿意

心碎人孤寂
虽然我愿意
心还想着你

so little words but they mean so much. fell in love with this song by Wu Jia Hui... maybe partly because of the TV8 drama <<变奏曲>>. haha i actually thought this song was sung by a girl ok! man... but the words in the end did say there's a female version. hmm... even if there is, they really sound the same. o.O simple song but it's really nice! shall go try it at kbox when i go there. hehe!

it's been exactly a month since i blogged! last post was 1 may and right now it's 1 june! oh my...and it's huh de sister's birthday today! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! haha old woman already...coming home at 2am and never bring key. gotta open the door for her AGAIN. hahaha! wait till i stay in hall... mum's gonna scream at you! =p i think work's really keeping me busy...and tired, and not feeling the need/want to blog.

-

sometimes i wish i could be more sensitive, more acute to subtleties and... more careful with words? i can be really 'huh' sometimes in these things, but i'm learning just that at too slow a pace for my own good. i think i know why i'm bad at such stuff. perssonally, i'm quite a straightforward person if the situation calls for it. i mean, if i don't think i'd ever agree or accept your decision to do something, i'd make it really clear that it's a no-no. i'm not being mean or what, it's just that i don't want to give you a teeny bit of hope when in actual fact, that thing will never happen. it'll just be more beneficial for both parties; you don't have to continue hoping that something good will come out of your suggestion or proposal, neither would i have to continue to bear your constant bugging. i've been positioned at both ends before and i think i'm faring better at the giving end. i'd really tell you i'm not interested (and you should stop bugging me). it's quite terrible being at the other cuz i'm bad at deciphering the codes: are you just being nice by saying the 'maybes' and 'quite okay' or are these just formalities?

just went climbing yesterday. quite happy with my performance cuz i managed to climb a more difficult route yesterday. :) one with a little inclination which makes it real difficult to climb at one section (for me). really felt like giving up at that section...felt like dying and just letting go. that's the thing about climbing. sometimes you really feel like taking the easier path and just letting go. but when you perservere on, you realise that you can actually do it! you might need to rest a little while, refuel (chalk) and then go again. it works! and it feels damn good when you reach the top stone... all the pain and agony are just worth it. so it's really your choice: perservere and hit the top or give up and live with the regret of the 'should haves'. it applies to our lives too! (but one thing, i think i'll still take size 7 for now =P)

oh and i just found out one friend of mine is going to smu's accountancy! ha, well well. is this like retribution? ok, maybe not retribution...sounds too bad too serious and too negative. i've always wanted to know whether smu or ntu's better, which graduates are more popular with employers. before today, no one could give me a satisfying answer and i just left it as there is no one correct answer because i believe there are definitely good and bad ones from each university. now, it just dawned upon me that i'll finally get a concrete and convincing answer- in 3 years' time. her and me, as living proofs and testament to my hypothesis. i can't see any good coming out of it unless i really did fare better. i actually hope someone could actually pre-empt me about stuffs like this...ever since primary school. like how important english is because the application to university would be more smooth-sailing with better english grades. this time, i just wish someone could reassure me that my choice is a right one. though my senior told me quite a bit about ntu's accountancy programme and there was nothing much i should worry about, i don't know why i'm still apprehensive. does it mean my choice isn't really what i wanted? what do i want? i'm not even sure myself. but then again, shouldn't i be thankful to receives such offers, especially to such faculties? i'm human afterall, give one more, one will ask for even more. just like being rich doesn't guarantee you happiness, because problems and unhappiness do arise from being rich. one of my friend's nick in msn says 'don't go looking for more, wind up with less.' it's true, isn't it? is this 知足常乐, or is it just settling for less without even fighting or thought?

tomorrow's the last day for acceptance. i doubt i'll be making any changes to my choice. i think i'll just make the best out of it... just like what i wrote in mom's birthday card, 'i'll live with it'. and i will live well.

don't really feel like going back to school. but i can't be doing brainless administrative stuff all my life right? i really like the working environment now, can't be sure i'll be able to find somewhere like this in future...probabaly things would be different when you're a perm staff. life's gonna be different, tougher. entering university's gonna be a whole new experience...something i'd be quite apprehensive about. not knowing what to expect... not many close friends around, that's not very nice eh?

alright, time to snooze. what time will i wake up tmr? i'm craving for cartel's chicken salad. :)




__ 转成个圈
但 不是那么的圆

- 再见 林宇中