my calling... hello?

‘大家都在努力，不要说谁做得好、谁做得不好。
但重要的是，你要知道你为了什么而奋斗。
当艺人风光吗？当然。
能赚钱吗？新水确实不错。
但你要为了这些东西而做吗？我觉得最好的方法是找到你真正要做的东西。。。’

how aptly put... this was what i read in myPaper today. this was what Yanzi said in an interview about her view of her job, her life and how she's been during this break; and this paragraph gave me an impression of deja vou. it was what i felt inside me, but somehow it made me feel ashamed of having such thoughts. my friends told me to 'just go for it if that's what you really want' but again, doing it is far from just saying or thinking it. it takes a lot more courage than you would think. i was afraid.

perhaps that was what i said in my previous entry, that many times, we all need to face things alone and make decisions on your own. but have you realised that though you need to make a decision with your own sense and brain, the impact of your decision goes far beyond? there are responsibilities (and more and more of them) as you grow older. you need to be accountable for your actions because you have responsibilities, maybe not immediately but in the near future. Accountable here means that you have to 'answer for'; you need to answer to your parents, your families, and most importantly, yourself and your future.

however, when i want to say something or when i am ready to say it, circumstances go beyond me. i need to tell her, because i need to be accountable. because she's paying for it. i don't know why i'm experiencing this, having to muster enough courage to say it out. it's as if i'd done somthing wrong, but i didn't. how wrong can you be when all you wanted was to pursue something you want? i keep telling myself it's alright... she should understand. but somehow within me, i am afraid... afraid to tell. maybe i wasn't even sure of this myself? maybe i just wanted to run away.

silence

it's been quite a while since i last blogged.

i think i was suppose to post more photos here on my dear blog which i'd neglected for some time but i guess FB took up most of the novelty of posting new photos and captioning them. :P

it's kinda funny how i'd always thought i was the quiet one... but school and uni made me otherwise. or at least, i've to try to act otherwise. but nowadays, i think i'm back to my old self again. i've been thinking, what's so bad about being alone? some issues on my head now make me just wanna be alone... to think. back in US, when Dad and i moved on to Washington without my sis, i did many things alone. and come to think of it, the only times when i wasn't alone was during meal times, and of course when we were in the hotel. i think that kinda put some courage into my gut and now i don't find it lonely to be alone. i guess as we grow up, there are more times that we need to, or we have, to be alone. there are so many things we have to face, alone. not literally but you know, in a sense that we have to think on our own no matter how many people are by your side.

there's gonna be a major change, which i undertook almost all by myself. this process kinda made me more sure of myself, because ultimately, i've to be responsible for what i'm doing and what i've decided to do. retrospectively, it is this realization of being responsible for what i'm doing notion that made me want to change.

sometimes i think and am worried that all these being alone routine would make me a more selfish person. i certainly hope i'd not... and definitely i'd restrain myself from becoming so. and i think wanting to start afresh was part of the reason for the change. i don't want to dwell on things that i dread and i want to do things that i really want to do. Like how i chose to learn Korean instead of Japanese. i want to do things for myself, not for anyone else. that was a mistake i've been committing for a large part of my life and i want to change that.

that's all, folks. tomorrow's gonna be a busy day, i've things to settle in the morning and i've to sit down and learn Korean. haha